Damned & Disturbed! Disturbing HP Pairings
by SailorSilvanesti
Summary: Another collection of disturbing, hilarious, frightening, heart-warming or down right petrifying shorts about the strangest, creepiest pairings you can think of... Going to Wizard Hell for this. See you there!    Please R&R
1. Chapter 1: Too Late to Run

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the mentioned characters...however, I do have a cat...her name is Moonlight...**

**This is the first of many chapters of drabbles, of pairings as suggested by my disturbed students at "Shazzasbeer: The Australian School of Witchcraft & Wizardry" & the mad people at "The 7 HP Books are my 7 Horcruxes, without them I wouldn't have a Life" [Facebook]  
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**To those from there...Ta Da!**

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><p><strong>~*Harry Potter Pairings: Damned &amp; Disturbed!*~<strong>

**~)0(~**

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><p><strong>Crabbe &amp; Lupin<strong>

"Now!" he cried, and Ron leapt forwards, wand outstretched, the Boggart burst from the cupboard and shaped itself in to the largest, hairiest spider Remus Lupin had ever seen! The Weasley boy panicked a moment, then a trembling hand pointed a wand in its direction and the quivering mouth managed a strangled, "_Riddikulus_!"

Roller-skates reduced the horrifying arachnid to a helpless, exceptionally humorous, entertainment for the entire class; then he moved and one of the Malfoy-boy's lackeys stepped up to have a go…and a large man, not unlike the boy himself, appeared. He began to yell in another language, hands flashing about in obscene gestures…the boy was speechless, so Remus found his instinct screaming to intervene…

Leaping forth with a "_Riddikulus!_" the man changed into a giant peacock that exploded into a thousand feathers, that, with a flick of his wand, were sucked back into the wardrobe and the doors slammed shut. "Ah, I would say class is over for now…I know most of you have a Potions exam in ten minutes, so I would hurry if I were you." He smiled disarmingly, the students simply began to pack their belongings and leave in an orderly fashion…

Harry, Ron and Hermione bade him goodbye at the door, where he leant against the doorframe for the last of the students –predictably Draco and his two minions, Goyle and Crabbe- to wander past. His hand shot out to grab the latter, earning him a confused glare from the boy in question and a pointed, baleful glare from Malfoy; he stood firm. "Keep going Goyle, Malfoy…or do you want me to take fifty points from Slytherin?" he asked menacingly, pride glowed inside his ribcage as Malfoy glared momentarily and then turned away.

Lupin turned his attention back to the silent boy to his side, "Vincent…is it? Or do you prefer Crabbe?" he asked kindly, steering the boy to a seat; there was no reply. Internally he sighed, but smiled gently and continued, "I noticed your father was doing a lot of yelling there, Crabbe, exactly what was so terrifying or horrible that he had to do so…? What are you afraid of?"

At this, the boy perked up a little and whispered, "He didn't like that…that… I was afraid that he'd react like that if I told him I liked someone at Hogwarts…" the other mumbled, and Lupin felt great relief and a strange puzzlement. "Liking someone else is a natural thing, Vincent…why would your father be angry about that?" he tried to coax the answer out, warning bells clanging in his mind…Crabbe blinked back tears and whispered, "_Because they aren't a Slytherin and…and because…they're not a girl…_"

Lupin blinked, "Oh, well…surely that doesn't matter, does it? I mean, we live in the 21st Century, your father wouldn't mind all that much, would he? Would you like me to speak with him?" Well, that touched a nerve, Crabbe's eyes went wide and frightened, "No! I mean, I can't tell him! He's…he wouldn't understand, we're a Pureblood Family…he's already arranging for me to marry another Pureblood girl when I graduate…"

"Ah," sudden understanding flaring in his eyes, he sat on the desk next to the boy, placing a comforting arm around him and trying to ignore how pleased he was when the other snuggled closer. "I can see your problem…maybe if Dumbledore and I spoke with him…? No. Alright, well, it might help if I knew who it was you fancy, then I can make a case for you in their favour…is it Potter? Weasley? Goyle…? I mean no offence, but if you say 'Malfoy' I will _Obliviate_ you…for your own safety!" There was weak laughter at the joke, he already had the opening lines of his argument ready; a space existed for the name and attributes of the mysterious 'other' and he had already run through all the suggestions and saw that no matter whose name was placed in his argument, they all fitted.

Vincent took his time to answer, mumbling at first softly until Lupin was forced to sharply tell him to spit it out –as it were-, to which the boy's large, round puppy-dog eyes were fixedly attached to his own with a gaze of fiery, shy intensity… There was a breath, a soft whisper that took a moment to process as it echoed through the small space, "It's…_you_, Sir…"

Again, Remus blinked…floundered a moment, and then smiled ludicrously widely… "Then I think, dear Vincent, it's going to be a lot easier to win this argument than you think!" And he began to laugh…

**~)0(~**

**Draco & Snape**

Stalking through the corridors, eyes flashing left and right with their usual crippling gaze, Professor Snape made his way back to his chambers; exceptionally fatigued after a long, tedious, meeting within Dumbledore's office…

For many hours, he and several of the other Heads of House had been sequestered in the spacious office, though by the end, he was near ready to strangle Professor Flitwick; the man was constantly bumping into him with that ridiculous 'Swish and Flick" nonsense he was always going on with! It seemed, the reasoning behind their enforced captivity…was that Professor McGonagall caught wind of certain rumours flying about, that one of the Professors may have been having an inappropriate relationship with a student…

All morning and afternoon [a break for lunch in between] had been spent assessing the candidates from the student body and each member of the faculty, long lists of potentials being drawn up, argued over and eventually crossed out. Through much conflict, raised voices and ceaseless argument…and it had garnered no true result; for all their deliberation, no one teacher or student had been pinpointed…

As he felt the robes swish about as he turned around the corner, to stand before the secret entrance to the Slytherin Common Room, "_Shaviesh!_" he hissed impatiently, not even pausing to consider the irony that the word was Parseltongue for '_Forbidden_'...

Students clamoured right and left, dropping whatever it was they were currently engaged in –he made note of the half-a-dozen odd students who separated from more amorous pursuits, and those who were swiftly concealing contraband items; all of them would receive House Points for deviousness… Snape raised his arms for silence, as they stood to attention; students of all ages were instantly quiet in obedience.

"I have been informed that several of you were involved in a prank against the Gryffindor House earlier, and I commend you your efforts," he said, to rapturous applause, there was a chorus of '_We got 'em good!'_ before it lulled as he once again raised his arms. "However, Professor McGonagall, and Headmaster Dumbledore, did not see it in this light…and the four main culprits will be rewarded for their efforts with detention. Would Miss Pansy Parkinson, Mister Vincent Crabbe, Mister Victor Goyle and Mister Draco Malfoy…"

Draco strode forwards with exaggerated swagger, looking like the Champion of a Quidditch match with all the arrogance he displayed; Crabbe and Goyle followed like the toadies they were, ever in Mr Malfoy's shadow… Miss Parkinson, however, emerged from a cluster of so-called 'popular girls' in the room, with a swish of her short brown hair that defied his authority. He looked at her coldly, but said nothing. There was far too much pleasure involved in dishing out her- _their- _punishments…and who said he shouldn't indulge a little?

"Miss Parkinson, you are required to report to Professor Hagrid, it appears the Thestrels have had a run of diarrhoea and their stables require shovelling," whilst he did refrain from smiling at the complete and utter disbelief on her features, he did enjoy it secretly. Especially as, though he had been given a list of tasks for them to complete as penance, it was his complete discretion as to whom was given which task…her attitude had given her the task he had ear-marked for Crabbe and Goyle…

Speaking of which… "Mister Crabbe and Mr Goyle, you will be assisting Professor Sprout in Greenhouse 2, as the venomous tentacular requires pruning. And Mr Malfoy…" he drew out the last name, as was his wont, before continuing, "I have several dozen cauldrons that require cleaning in the Potions Room. It seems, several first-years misunderstood the words '_Do NOT put salamander tongue in the Sleeping Draught'_ which resulted in rather chaotic explosions, and near insoluble coat of rock-hard, red potion. That is all, you must report immediately to your tasks, although…again, I congratulate you on your 'prank'."

To be fair…the multi-coloured rainbow of what was once the student body of Gryffindor House was exceptionally amusing…even if Minerva McGonagall did not seem to see it that way… He turned to sweep out of the room with his 'prisoners' before him, and turned to call over his shoulder, "Carry on with what you were doing…"

~)0(~

After the incessant complaining of Pansy Parkinson faded into the distance, her shrill voice still echoing upon the cold walls, Snape shepherded the thick creatures Malfoy had found as Lackeys, Crabbe and Goyle, down a corridor to the left. Sunset peered over the edge of the horizon and glistened off the three Domed Greenhouses where Herbology was held each day, there was a hint of rain as ominous clouds rumbled overhead…as Professor Sprout would say, it was '_magnificent weather for tentacular pruning!_'

Both the boys, with the intelligence of a cinderblock between them, waddled off down the corridor to the outside at his urging; both looking slightly worried that they wouldn't have Draco to guide them, think for them, and tell them what to do. On that note, he swirled about, with swishing dark robes to find Mr Malfoy lounging against a far wall with a smirk on his features; wordlessly Professor Snape gestured at him with a frown of displeasure on his face, and then strode away. He did not need to look back, for, after a moment of rebellion, there came an echo to his own ringing footsteps before the sound was lost in the sudden explosion of noise as the forecast downpour began.

~)0(~

Swinging open with the slightest creak, though no touch was applied to its wood, the door to the Potions Room obliged the entrants by opening inwards to admit one tall, dark figure, and a shorter, smirking figure that slouched behind the first with great ease.

Immediately, the smaller figure shed his outer robe and moved to behind the teacher's desk, where the other was pacing back and forth, flicking his wand…muttering under his breath as he did so… A small army of scrubbing brushes took up the monumental task of removing great hunks of hard, red potions from the walls, cauldron and…wait, was that on the…_ceiling_?

"Well Professor, I've been a bad boy…would you care to punish me?" teased Draco, tugging on the other's black hair in the way he liked and pouting like a model, he was exceptionally cute like this… Snape made no response but to sigh as he felt the other running fingers through his hair, "I am assuming, as the others have no real great intelligence between them, it was you who set up the 'Colour-Grenade Spell' in the Gryffindor Common Room…?" he asked at length.

The other blinked, then looked coy as he replied, "And what if I did, Severus, love?" That was a definite wiggle off his backside…without blinking, Snape took his eyes from his lover and reached behind his desk for the golden shackles he had made for this specific purpose [though he had made up a story about a three-headed puppy...when the clerk got inquisitive…] and smiled, "Then I would have to punish you, you beautiful boy…"

Those in the room above were kept oblivious to the sounds of their passion echoing without restraint of the walls, by the mercifully pounding sound of the storm outside…and Snape had time for one last thought back to the meeting of this entire morning and afternoon before they parted that night with a soft kiss, he smirked in a manner most closely resembling that of his younger lover… "_If only they knew how close they had come to the truth…"_

There was a flickering moment of panic as he thought to the following day's room-by-room inspections, to be carried out by Minerva , herself…and then he was gone, back inside to hide the shackles somewhere McGonagall would never find them…Maybe in her own chambers… How would she explain _that_to Dumbledore?

Yes, he was truly a Slytherin at heart…

**~)0(~**

**Harry & Trelawney**

"I see…" there was a long, drawn out pause where the bed springs made a groan of suppression, and skin-tight dark leathers creaked as they were revealed in the dim lighting in the Astrology Tower…her robes sliding to the floor and pooling on the flagstones. "…that you are indeed one of the '_greatest wizards of them all_', Mr Potter…" Sybil Trelawney, Professor of Divination, said.

The teenager spread out beneath her was wearing little more than a glorified rag of dark leather underwear, and a self-satisfied smirk of lust as she came closer; her long, frizzy hair rustling over the tight leather of the shining corset. Thigh-high go-go boots made unique noises as she crawled closer to him on the luxurious bed…Sybil smirked at his expression and her own deviousness; her new scheme to assist the students who were failing in her class was turning out to be one of her grandest ideas yet…

Already an influx of students had seen the inside of her chambers [and the "_Hang in there, Baby_!" Poster on the ceiling], Harry Potter being the latest in a string of conquests that lead from sneering Mr Draco Malfoy, shy Miss Hannah Abbott of Hufflepuff and blushingly terrified Mr Longbottom, …all the way to the less-confident-than-he-acted Mr Ronald Weasley, both of his …voracious…twin brothers and even the pious Miss Hermione Granger, herself!

Something flickered on the face of the student on the bed as she knelt up and drew out an item from behind her back… "Though I do believe…" she smiled, tugging on the multitude of strands hanging from the end of the whip, "you've been a _very naughty boy_…"

**~)0(~**

**Sirius/Ginny**

It's not that she didn't like spending time with him, she did…she truly _did_. It was just…their dates were always so awkward! Her heels clacked against the pavement, the sounds of many different people enjoying the sunshine, laughing, smiling, running and playing the intricate games of children…a brightly coloured Frisbee shot past her face, and the lead in her hand yanked on Ginny's arm, near over-balancing her.

Her eyes widened with horror as the large, black dog barked, wagged his tail and took off across the park, leaving her to run after him in a pair of heels, screaming, "Sirius, No! _Down_, Sirius! Bad Boy, _STAY_! _Sit_, Sirius!"

Sigh, why must _every one of their dates end like this?_

**Umbridge & Harry**

_Hem, Hem!_ Something twitched below his right eye, skewing his glasses but a smidgeon; the unconscious, battered and bleeding body of Hermione at his feet, and nothing but the ominous sounds of the Forbidden Forest echoing all around… "Now, Mr Potter, you are _mine_, understand?" Umbridge said, circling like a large, pink vulture… "If you want your little Mudblood harlot to live, that is…"

Her grin was feral, accenting the evil glint to her eyes; it was sickening that she hid behind the façade of pink purity…the woman was cold, calculating and cruel under that carefully-placed and curled hair. A regular female Voldemort, but less cuddly…he shuddered.

"And what if I don't want to be?" he tried for bravery in his tone, but it quavered with deep-seated fear…to be her plaything for eternity would be worse than having to kiss Malfoy each and every morning…

Although, the other option was far more pleasant…at least Malfoy would try to act dignified about it, Umbridge would probably put a collar on him, with a bell…oh gods, what if she made him wear _pink_? These horrifying thoughts and more passed through his mind, robbing Harry of breath and quickening his heart, before Umbridge spoke again, "Oh, you will! No Mudblood will be getting you, Potter…though you are, unfortunately, a child of two half-breeds…a sad state of affairs for one so highly revered in the Wizarding World…but it will have to do…" the woman sighed, then stiffened.

There was a snort, "And what, you vile pink creature, is wrong with being a half-breed?" asked a voice from behind; she whirled about, only to stop short in the face of so many arrows strung in her face. Harry dropped to his knees to cradle Hermione, as the Centaurs surrounded them all; he saw Bane, the Leader, come forth flanked by a younger female centaur and Firenze. Umbridge screeched, _"Get back! Get back and away from me you vile half-breeds! I am from the Ministry!"_

Puzzlement ran across her loathsome features…as those gathered began to laugh… The buckskin-coloured female and Firenze trotted over to Harry; the female knelt and held out her arms to take Hermione from him. "What has happened here? How was she hurt?" she asked, as blood pooled under her fingers…Firenze patted his shoulder as he stood, "Worry not, Harry Potter, Mira is the greatest of our Healers…and Bane will not let you fall prey to such a horrifying fate as that which the pink toad would offer…" the centaur smiled.

As did Harry, weakly, "It was Umbridge. When we didn't lead her to the 'secret weapon' we told her about to stop her from hurting our friends…she...she tried to stun her, but Hermione dodged the spell…so Umbridge stabbed her… I didn't even know she had a knife! It was…here it is…" he found the sticky object amongst the leaf matter and handed it over… Mira sniffed at it, grimacing with distaste, "_Poison_!" she cried and looked to Bane for direction.

Still the arrows remained pointed at the shrieking High Inquisitor –and they were all told over and over about _that_position- as the Centaur Leader gazed down on the woman. His expression grew grave with distaste, "You would dare to harm foals? Warriors, take her…bind her far from my sight!" and with a flick of his hand, centaurs rushed to drag her away; Firenze silently patted Harry on the shoulder and began to steer him away, behind Mira who was carrying Hermione and muttering to herself, attempting to source out the elusive poison that was slowly killing the girl in her arms.

The centaurs failed to notice the gaze that passed between Harry and Umbridge, did not see the small nod of acceptance to their fate…they would see each other again, in this life or the next…

Adopting the appropriate expression of fear, relief and concern, his eyes belied the pleasure he got from the pallid colour of Hermione's skin...well, maybe next time the little Mudblood wouldn't try to go running to McGonagall with their secret…even if they maybe should have withheld their passion for that one moment… The telling kiss had destroyed the light in Hermione's eyes…but it was oh-so worth it…

Ah well, at least she wouldn't be waking again, not if the Acromantula venom he'd coated on the knife had anything to say about it…

**~)0(~**

**Voldemort/Luna**

"Avarda Kedavra!"

Green light shot out of his wand, slamming into the terrified Hufflepuff's chest and throwing him clear across the room, to land upon the growing pile of bodies… A small chain-link necklace fell to the cold, stone floor of the chamber; and he levitated it to the blonde by his side, who beheld it with a vague smile of gratitude…

"Thank you, Tom…" she said in her dreamy tone, eyes dancing with joy and innocence…now, had anyone else called him thus, hey would be writhing on the floor, screaming for the release of death…but not Luna. Luna was beautiful, with a spirit as fierce as his own, and if chasing strange little fictional characters made her happy, then so be it. He had his most intelligent Death Eaters looking into the location of the beasts she was so infatuated with…and if they were not actually real, working on a way to manufacture them…

Voldemort smiled and drew her closer, she melded to his form with great ease and seeming not to care that she was stepping over the bodies of former classmates as they strode out of the Hufflepuff Common Room…

"Where to now, my love? What else must we retrieve before you can leave this accursed place?" he asked in a sickeningly sweet voice, the other paused with her vague expression fixed fully on her features for a moment, before replying, "I think…Danny Marcos of Ravenclaw took my shoes…"

He smiled and laughed, "To Ravenclaw we go!"

**~)0(~**

**Hagrid/Aragog**

Rustling sounds swept the forest clear of any potential dangers as the large man trudged through, for once sans the great, drooling Bloodhound, Fang. Hagrid was, of course, oblivious to the whole procedure, but it was simply standard operations…the man was to be protected, so had decreed their Leader, and so it shall be done…

As he reached their stronghold in the center of the Forest, the Great Leader of their Colony bade them greet him with all the enthusiasm of a returning family member…though there was no need, the half-giant was as close and dear to them already. He strode through masses of Arcromantulas, young and old, small and full-grown, as they laced the trees and webs all over the area…

Aragog, esteemed elder and leader of them all came forth, his eight giant orbs almost completely white from so long on this world; but still, he always knew when Hagrid was coming, even before his children could send word back to him of the impending arrival of his most favourite visitor. Some outspoken ones in the colony were against this…but they were a minority, for the rest loved the man, and their leader, and thought nothing of the relationship…did they not have a right to be happy together?

"Ah, Hagrid, it is nice of you to come again…come, there are new hatchlings I would have you see! Come and meet the newest members," clacked Aragog, and Hagrid followed after, exclaiming all the while with his arachnid lover about the new additions, arguing back and forth over names… After all, it soon became practically impossible to come up with an original name, for there were several thousand already in the colony, and no two were called the same thing…

The colony watched, and clacked in approval as the new children were named in succession of hatching: Janiqua, Dumbledore, Maimus, Bathilda, Roxxie, Billius and Millicent… a fine naming ceremony! As with every other time the man visited, it was part of the process…they went on to inspect several new webs, commenting on the structures and suggesting different ideas or the best way to catch certain creatures…before adjourning to a private hollow…

The Colony watched. They saw. But they never spoke of such things to outsiders…Hagrid was Family. Aragog was Leader. This was Secret…and it would be kept…

**~)0(~**

**Dolores Umbridge/Lucius Malfoy**

His face was rather flushed, the eyes sparkling and just a hint of terror in their depths as he stood before her, free for once of his over-bearing wife, Narcissa; the woman seemed to think that, simply because she came from the Pure-Blood house of Black, everyone else was inferior. At least Lucius was a little more…open-minded…

She smiled as he dropped his pretentious cane to the floor and barely managed to gush out a viable spell to lock the door before he was on her, his hands everywhere in ways that would instantly disturb any student that walked in…luckily none did. Although, she very nearly cried out his name as he whispered lovingly into her ear, breath hot on her neck, "_Oh, Dolores_…"

**~)0(~**

**Luna & the Giant Squid in the Lake**

No one would have suspected…no one could have known…

As she splashed about, laughing in the Lake during a free period of her timetable; no passing students would have even thought anything of Luna Lovegood being exceptionally excited, or giggling like one possessed. They rationalised it was just her nature…or maybe she was under the impression one of her so-called 'Crumple-horned Snorkacks' were in the Lake and tickling her…who knew with that girl anyway?

What they didn't know, what they could never guess at…was the real reason she laughed so excitedly, was that the creature who idolised her was stretching it's tentacles to tickle her where she floated on the surface…the Giant Squid loved the way she laughed…and all the other sounds she made in the dead of night when she snuck from the castle for a moonlight rendezvous…

There was no voicing their attraction…but each knew and reciprocated…and that was all that mattered…

**~)0(~**

**CROSSOVER: Headmaster Albus Dumbledore & LOTR's ~*Gandalf the Grey*~ [Promised to a Friend! ^^]**

If there was ever a reason to run head-long into an Orc-attack, it was this…for the two wizards had not stopped talking for many an hour, and even the legendary patience of the Elves was being stressed thin as Legolas punched a wall out of frustration and boredom. Gandalf noticed the movement, "Why, Legolas, I always said you were impatient but this is extreme even for you…why not take the Fellowship with you and explore the School? If that is alright with you Albus?"

Dumbledore looked over the rims of his half-moon glasses and inclined his head sagely, a small quirk on to his lips…this day would be full of the most interesting activities, especially if they ran into a certain group of fifth years… Hobbits leapt up and raced through the doorway, the men, Boromir and Aragorn following at a more leisurely pace; the snoring Dwarf in the corner was swiftly snatched and hurled through the door with Elven strength, and the culprit danced out the door and was away long before Gandalf slammed shut the heavy wooden door on the loud, Dwarvish curses echoing all over the castle.

"I must, in all honestly, apologise in advance for what they may…nay, _will_ do, Albus." Sighed the Wizard as he slid into a chair, propping his staff on the large desk and rubbing a hand through his beard…there was a loud crash, high pitched laughter and a Gondorian battle cry from somewhere below… Gandalf gave a long-suffering look as Dumbledore began to laugh softly, "It seems they may have run afoul of our resident Poltergeist, Peeves…a difficult creature to befriend, but most amusing at times…"

The comfortable atmosphere dissolved into silence, not awkward, but as companionable as an amicable conversation. Someone rapped at the door, Professor McGonagall appeared at the door, worry written all over her face, "Oh Professor! I'm sorry, I wasn't aware you had a guest…but there are some strange furry-footed creatures ransacking the Kitchens! Professor Flitwick had to body-bind them to stop the two twin-like ones from attempting to eat a House Elf…Oh lord have mercy! They're like another pair of Weasley twins!" She looked quite flustered with her hat askew and the tight grey bun falling to the left.

Dumbledore steepled his fingers and laughed, "Now, now, Minerva…they can't be _that_ bad, I seem to remember a certain pair of Weasley Twins managing to get so far as setting a fire and spit up in the Great Hall, with a bound Slytherin student to the side, during Dinner just last year… Most amusing, I believe I gave them 200 Points for Gryffindor…" the blue eyes sparkled, even Professor McGonagall calmed, Gandalf stood reaching for his staff, muttering, "_Fool of a Took…and the Brandybuck's not much better… _Would you like me to see to them? Merriadoc and Perigrin, or Merry and Pippin as they prefer, can be quite a handful…especially near food…"

"No, please sit, we have dealt with worse…believe me," smiled the Headmaster and nodded to McGonagall, "Bring them to the Great Hall and have them send food up until they are full, much safer for the House Elves…" She nodded, turned officiously and left… "It seems your Fellowship is causing quite a stir in my school, Gandalf…a most fortunate distraction that you arrived so suddenly, it was beginning to get dull here…" The Maia took the complement with a modest inclination of the head. "Now, how did you come to be on this Quest, and most importantly, at Hogwarts?" asked Dumbledore, fascinated and leaning forwards, like an excited child…when there was a shrill scream coming strongly through the nearby window, Albus whipped his head to the side sharply in concern…but the sonorous sounds of an entirely other Professor overrode the noise, and then there was a splash…and then more yelling, but this time in a fairer tone…

Gandalf recognised the voice immediately, and resisted the urge to slam his head down upon the desk, "Ahem, you were asking about the quest?" he distracted the other, gruff laughter was echoing all over the castle…then paused, and the tone became full of familiar insults… He sighed heavily; he just couldn't take them anywhere! _Thank the Valar_, Elladan and Elrohir had not been sent on this quest, or they would have seen Hogwarts raised to the ground!

"Ah yes, how is it you came to fall through our ceiling, just as the students had sat down to dinner?" inquired the other, fascinated again; there was still more yelling outside, and a horn being blown, but Gandalf simply raised his voice higher. "Well, it SEEMS THERE WAS A SMALL ISSUE WHEN IT CAME TO-…" the noise outside abruptly cut off with a cacophony of sizzling sounds, "reading the map, and I take full responsibility for that, I let one of the Hobbits guide us…an honest mistake! Well, instead of Heading to the Mines of Moria, or even up the fearfully cold mountain Caradhras, we walked the entirely other way and fell into a giant hole in reality! Seems that somewhere to the far east of the Death Vale Forest, there is a large rift between our worlds…we may need a ladder to get back…sorry for the inconvenience. Though I must admit, the cream pie I fell into was simply delicious!"

Dumbledore laughed heartily in delight and clapped his hands, "Ah my friend, that is most enchanting news! Though I doubt we have a ladder that will fit through a rift in reality, but I will, most certainly, pass your compliment on to our House Elves…"

And then the door burst open, an ominously-faced Professor Snape twisting the pointed ear of Legolas, and that of the sodden Gimli, a nerve twitched below his eye… Dumbledore reacted with a calm exterior, although it did make an hilarious sight… "Severus, would you care to explain why it is you have in your hands, our guests?" The other released Gimli, the Dwarf glared and hefted his axe menacingly; Snape simply looked down with a cool expression and twisted the sensitive Elven ear further… "These…two, have committed no end of trouble in the last few moments!"

"This one," he pushed Legolas forward, the Prince of Mirkwood looking like he was about to tear the man's heart out with his slender, bare hands, "was caught attempting to skewer one of my students, Mr Malfoy, with arrows. After I removed the instruments, and was attempting to disarm him of the bladed weaponry, this one, he indicated Gimli with a free hand, "attempted to remove my head with his little toy. The _expelliarmus_ spell was quite powerful and sent him into the Lake, during which time, Professors McGonagall and Flitwick came to assist and were then attacked by sword-wielding ruffians…which were then _Stupified_."

Legolas twisted free as Gandalf simply stared and wondered at the destructive capacity of his comrades, the Elf threw back, "This insolent brat you speak of, had the audacity to make the assumption that I was something called a 'House Elf' and subsequently tried to 'claim me' as his own. Ordering me to do his bidding. When I attempted to correct his strange mistake, he used the wand he had to set my bow afire…I was simply ensuring the correct amount of penance was paid. Then I, and subsequently Gimli, were apprehended; Aragorn and Boromir came to our 'rescue' and were stunned by some magic of theirs."

Dumbledore stood and walked around his desk to place a comforting hand on the shoulder of the infuriated Elven Princeling, "An honest mistake, little majesty, is it not? Though I will see to it that Draco is punished for damaging your weapon, may I see it? I may be able to repair the damage done…I assume the damage is what I have to thank for throwing off the aim of your arrows and saving me the paperwork of explaining his death?" It was Snape who handed over the bow, and, with a flick of his wand, both the bow was returned to perfection and Gimli was dried as if he'd never taken the impromptu swim in the lake…

"Set them free Severus, and please, refrain from twisting the Elven ears, they are quite sensitive…would you take them to Lunch? I feel they may be peckish…" smiled the Headmaster, and the Potions Master swept the two from the room…

Speechless, the Maia could not even apologise for the strange activities of his comrades any longer, but Dumbledore waved it aside and bade him speak of their journey again…Gandalf was only too pleased to obliged, and they stayed comfortably in their chintz armchairs until Lunch and the lesson directly after that had finished. Only once interrupted as Madam Pomfrey, the School Nurse, informed the pair that the men had awoken from their enforced unconsciousness…and food was brought up by a short Professor who was introduced as Flitwick, the Charms Teacher.

"A most exciting journey, though I sense it is not yet over…?" he asked the other intuitively, moving closer with his chair, Gandalf smiled, "You are correct, there is a long way to go until our world is free from Sauron's tyranny. Though, we may dally here a while if you should let us…we would be glad to help you with your Voldemort problem." He offered politely and was pleased the other was considering it.

There were loud cries of excitement and Gandalf's heart sank once again, but Albus –as if sensing it- laughed and waved his troubles away with a hand, "Only Quidditch Practice, Gandalf, that is all. Though…" he trailed off and moved to the window, Gandalf close behind; just in time to see Harry Potter and Ron Weasley -with a terrified Hermione Granger clinging to him-, flying alongside an interesting variation of Fellowship. An exhilarated Legolas flew fast past the window, arms above his head and golden hair streaming; while Aragorn held fast to the broom and ducked low, increasing his speed until he was but a blur…Boromir, meanwhile, was deathly white and gripping onto the broom so tightly it should –by rights- snap in half…and Gimli? Well, Gimli was attempting to ride the broom in a most unusual fashion…upside down and cursing the sun, moon and stars…

Harry Ron and Hermione were laughing, four small dots sat on the grounds below, looking up and eating, occasionally cheering with delight as one of the more controlled Fellowship members swooped low over them…

Sparkling eyes turned back to meet his own, and Gandalf hoped he had not misread a signal somewhere as he moved closer, placing a slightly-more-than-companionable hand about the other's waist…though Albus made no move to dislodge it… and there they stood, for the whole hour till Dinner, just holding to one another and watching the Quidditch 'Practice'…which consisted of the teams trying to teach his companions the rules. Elves, it turns out, are great Seekers and Beaters, though Rangers were better at deflecting bludgers…Gimli was best at Keeper, for everytime the quaffle neared him, he fell off his broom and caught it by miracle…and Gondorians were born Chasers…even if Boromir wasn't good at sharing it with the others…

"I feel hungry, let us adjourn to dinner…" said Dumbledore, and Gandalf replied, "A Marvellous idea, Albus!" and followed as he was led to the Great Hall…

It was truly magnificent, though they had not truly appreciated it at the time of their arrival, falling through the enchanted roof and such… The Professor's table had been magically enlarged to allow for the members of the Fellowship, Gandalf at Dumbledore's right shoulder; well, all the members bar the Hobbits, who had been given a small 'Kiddies Table' off to the right, behind a screen. Hobbits had unique eating habits…

Dumbledore had just announced the day's events and sat down with a piece of chicken to his mouth, and the hubbub of students rising and swelling like the ocean's tides…when there came a cry, well, four to be exact, as four new figures fell through the roof… One for each table! At the exact moment they stood up and he realised their identity, Gandalf glared at the ceiling and asked of the Valar, _Why do you Hate ME?_

Elladan and Elrohir, identical sons of Elrohir and foster-brothers to Aragorn stood up and catching sight of him [and their closest friend Legolas] nimbly jumped off the table and ran to hug them in unison…likewise, Faramir –Boromir's brother- looked up in an expression of confusion –twin to that on Eomer of Rohan's face- as he asked, loudly in the silent hall, "Who put that hole in reality there?" Four Hobbit heads appeared over the top of the screen…

Eomer called out, "There you are! The entire Rohirric and Gondorian armies are out searching for you, not to mention the Elves…the King of Mirkwood made it clear we find his son and 'those blasted mortals he ran off to play hero with' or he would kill us all! And here we find you playing games and feasting in another world?" Boromir began a fierce argument with him over it, his younger brother leaping in to both calm it down and defend his brother… Aragorn, Legolas and the twins slipped into seats at the Gryffindor table beside Harry, Ron, Ginny, Hermione and the Weasley Twins, who were only too pleased to have another set of twins to plot with…

All to the amusement of the entire, silent, student body of Hogwarts…

As if this was the most normal of occurrences, Dumbledore turned to Gandalf and asked in front of everyone, "So, Gandalf dear, I should very much like to have a portrait of you to hang in my office, would you mind terribly sitting for one?" Thrilled at the idea, he replied, "Only if I may have one in kind for the long road to Mordor…?"  
>"Of course!" decreed the Headmaster jovially…<p>

That night would ever go down in Hogwarts history as the strangest, most confusing event that had ever graced the castle in it's many long years…Oh, and Filch actually DID find a ladder long enough to get them all back to their own reality…funny how things work out, isn't it?

**~~)0(~~**

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><p><strong>More to come...be afraid, be VERY Afraid... [LOTS More]<strong>

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading, although you are probably a) in the foetal position, or b), reaching for the salad fork to gouge your eyes out now...<strong>

**Please REVIEW, **

**~*SailorSilvanesti/Phoenix Fire 3*~**


	2. Chapter 2: Land of the Disturbed

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter...But I am Headmistress of Shazzasbeer: The Australian School of Witchcraft & Wizardry...[FB]**

**Here are a few more of them...be prepared to be disturbed... [P.S. Having a bible, crucifix, holy water and/or an exorcism manual to hand would be ideal...]**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Land of the Disturbed [Population: ME]<strong>

**~)0(~**

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><p><strong>Fawkes &amp; Buckbeak<strong>

Fire trailed across the sky, emblazoning the beautiful shape and form of the Phoenix's form, wings spread wide to catch the breeze; from below, on a parallel course, Buckbeak soared with front claws trailing in the Lake. Ripples emanated from the surface; distorting the blazing image of golden intensity…he loved it when that happened… Fawkes let out a golden cry -like liquid honey-, and swooped lower. Wingtips so close to his own, Buckbeak could feel the warmth licking at his body, though far enough away not to harm him… When they flew together, Fawkes was always careful not to hurt 'his' Hippogryff…

Though it was nice, to bask in the warmth, the golden glow, the shrill, beautiful cry and all the attention the Phoenix gave…and Fawkes knew it… That's why they made such a wonderful pair…

**~)0(~**

**Voldemort & Mrs Weasley**

"Not my daughter, you BITCH!"

Came the loud, shrill cry over the din of battle. Bellatrix flew past his ear to slam into the great stone walls of the Great Hall, falling to a crumpled heap on the floor. He grinned maliciously, striding through the battle without care for his welfare, Death Eaters cleared the way without thought for their own safety. They would be rewarded, if they lived…especially Snape, vaguely he wondered whether the man would like Australia, when he conquered the world…

And there she was…the red-haired warrioress who was storming over to where Bellatrix lay, fury glowering on her face, throwing those in her path left and right; his heart was full of an emotion he could not understand… "Molly, duck!" cried a man to her left, throwing himself in front of a ball of red light that would otherwise have taken her out…

Though this woman, one of the Weasleys from the look of her, knew nothing of his attraction as she stood distracted, calling out for this 'Arthur' and a multitude of red-headed children cried 'Father' and 'Dad'…her face was awash with suppressed fury, fear and a strange maternal panic as she hushed them all.

Ah well, he could always dispose of the brats if they refused to join him, he mused, tossing a killing curse at the limp form of the man they cried out for…seven childish faces turned to stare in disbelief…but he only had eyes for the gaze of this Molly Weasley. As her large, sorrow filled eyes locked onto his own, the breath was forced from his lungs, and he only regained just enough to whisper, "_Imperio_…"

She would be his…and then he turned to the nearest child, Potter's friend, and raised his wand…_Imperio_ or _Crucio_…such a difficult decision…

**~)0(~**

**Snape & Nymphadora Tonks**

"Would you mind stopping that, Nymph my love, I am trying to eat here…" Severus said civilly over his _Daily Prophet_…toast half-way to his mouth and stalled as his dark gaze fell upon the continuously changing rainbow of his wife's hair. She was surprised and turned a rather chastened face to him, "Sorry darling, I was only trying to amuse Lily…" Nymphadora answered, raising the baby spoon again and trying to put it into the burbling mouth of the small infant in the High Chair to her left.

Severus looked again over the _Daily Prophet_, sighed and put down his toast; their daughter could be difficult on occasion, but had a sunny disposition…just like the woman she had been named after –a mutual friend of theirs from the past… He smiled, and walked over to pick the little girl up, she raised her chubby infant arms up in the traditional gesture for '_Pick me up, daddy_!'

Nymphadora groaned as she stood, one hand on her aching back, the other rubbing the swell of her stomach, "I think this one's a boy, Severus…should be interesting having another little one around! Do you have an idea for the name, he shall be needing it quite soon I think, time to go to Saint Mungo's, dear!" she ginned in excitement. With a flick of his wand, the bags they had packed some weeks previous in readiness for just this event…a silver doe leapt from his wand and disappeared through the window with a message…

In moments, Mr and Mrs Weasley appeared with their youngest son and only daughter, the two youngest apperating side along with their parents; Molly smiled, "Time is it? Good luck, here, give Lily to Ron, she loves him. Now, is there anything you need? Anything you may have forgotten…? Arthur and I are only a patronus away if you need us…"

Nymphadora shook her head and smiled, "No, we're fine…" as Severus handed over the infant Lily to Ron; he barely stopped himself from launching into the 'be careful' parental tirade that usually accompanies such an action… Ginny immediately started to coo, with baby-talk and nonsense at the little girl, who giggled… They nodded solemnly, and then the Weasley Parents gathered their young and apperated back to the Burrow.

"Ready?" he asked his wife, clasping her hand and touching the pile of bags, she nodded and started to breathe slowly through lips, as she had been taught…so they apperated away…

Many hours later, a shrill wailing cry could be heard resounding from every wall in St. Mungo's…as their newborn son was handed to a tired, but exhilarated Nymphadora… "_He's beautiful…_" she whispered, "_What should we call him…_?" Severus kissed her forehead as he whispered back, "_I was thinking…James?_"

Nymph laughed, "Lily Minerva, and James Teddy Snape…I like it…" and at that moment, James Teddy Snape decided to let out an exceptionally loud wail and Severus looked to his wife with a quirked smile, as the Silver Doe leapt from the window with the force of his excitement, "Well, he most certainly has the lungs for a James…"

**~)0(~**

**Sirius Black & Petunia Dursley**

"Shoo!" Petunia flicked her tea towel at the stray lounging by her back door, it sulked a moment and gave her a wounded face, then slunk away with tail between its legs… For a moment, she felt bad, she knew the risk he took to see her…but it was the middle of the day and he _knew_ Vernon was coming home for lunch today!  
>If it had been any other day then she would have gladly allowed him in through the back door…the high trill of the telephone caught her off-guard and she tottered over to it; it pressed against her ear, the gruff voice of her husband rattled through the line.<p>

"Petunia, change of plans! An important meeting has cropped up, I will not be able to make it to lunch, do keep the meal in the refrigerator and we will eat it for dinner." There was hollow clunk, then the continuous beep of a disconnected line…he had hung up on her. There was a moment when the receiver trembled and cracked under the fury of her grasp, how dare he do this? She spent hours cooking, and now he does not even give the kind thought to 'allow' her to eat of her own meal…well, fool to him, she and another would share the delectable meal; he could have a sandwich for tea…

Pulling the roast chicken from the oven, potatoes crisp and ready, the seasoning filled the entire room with a delectable smell; she laid it upon the table and set about laying a place for two…drawing the curtains and lighting candles…

When at last she saw it was ready, Petunia Dursley slipped to the backdoor and gave a short, sharp whistle…the large black dog came padding from behind a petunia bush, tongue lolling and tail wagging in excitement; he slipped inside the Kitchen and began to morph. By the time Petunia had shut the door and turned around, she fell into the waiting arms of the tall, swarthy man with dark hair…he laughed as he asked, "What took you so long? That smells delicious!"

Petunia laughed harder than she had in years…

**~)0(~**

**Draco & Hermione**

"Hey, you…Mudblood!" echoed the voice off the chamber; Hermione stiffened, shutting her eyes tightly and wishing that Ron or Harry was with her, as she clutched her books closer to her chest. "Mudblood! I'm talking to you!" the pretentious voice rang out again, this time she whirled about with a dark glare; Draco Malfoy, darling of Slytherin House was casually leaning against a wall, smirking at her.

"What do you WANT, Draco?" she asked, striving for calm but feeling the blood surging hot and angrily through her veins; unusually alone for once, Draco looked too at ease and proud of himself as he answered, "Oh nothing…" he swaggered closer, Hermione felt the need to punch him in his smug little face…he was closer now. She tried to calculate exactly how many Library books she could hurl at him from the nearby shelf, before Madam Pince came flying around the corner shrieking…which was inevitable.

Although, before she could even contemplate raising her wand to do just that, Draco was before her, face inches from hers as he whispered, "_I want you…_" and then he kissed her…and, as much as she would like to deny it, she did kind of enjoy it…

When they finally broke apart, foreheads resting together, she whispered, "_Draco_…?" He made a non-committal humming noise, half-aware of his surroundings as Hermione giggled and finished, "_For further reference, trying to express your true feelings for a girl…? It works better if you don't call their blood status into question…"_

Draco hummed again and lazily replied, "Duly noted…Hermione…"

**~)0(~**

**Ron/Hedwig**

His heart sank as the green bolt of death tore through the ominous sky, lightning flashing, revealing the dark shapes hidden throughout…surrounding… Thunder crashed and deafened, the world slowed down like some sort of black-and-white movie scene; the Thestral he rode was oblivious to the heartbreak inside, and in his guise as one of the Harry's he was unable to go to her aid…

Voldemort's curse slammed into her beautiful downy chest, and she fell; dead as a stone…Harry's scream of anguish was echoed in his own throat…

Hedwig was dead. Life was no longer worth living. He threw himself from the Thestral and shut his eyes so he would not see himself striking the ground…

**~)0(~**

**Snape & Hermione**

Flames crackled orange, then blue, as they licked up and down the folds of dark black fabric; it was only at the last instance he saw them, and there was panic in the Teacher's grandstand… Someone beat at the flames, but he turned to look behind, straight into her eyes…and there was annoyance, veiled intrigue and surprise in his dark gaze. Hermione felt her heart constrict in that moment, and realised she could never love another…

Years later, they would look back upon that moment and laugh…indeed, it was that very chance meeting that had made such an interesting story at their wedding, as told by the best man, Ronald Weasley. Sadly, since Voldemort had taken over…Harry was dead…but at least the Dark Lord had spared no expense in making the wedding grand for his most faithful follower…and the fact that the Malfoy's had no manner in which to object that a Mudblood –though Voldemort had negated her blood status to pureblood, for she had forsaken her parents and obliviated their memories- would not only enter their home, but be welcomed by Voldemort himself… Only Draco was there to represent his family that day, the others having locked themselves away to hide from the shame…

And now, as they finished telling the story to their young son, and he fell to the innocent sleep of children and animals, Hermione kissed his brow; Severus slid the sheet over their son and brushed a stray hair away from the adorable face… Stepping away, she leant her head against his shoulder, long wavy hair falling cascading as she moved closer, "Isn't it amazing we made something so perfect, Severus?" she mused aloud. He smiled, placed his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her close, not saying anything…there was no need.

For another moment they stood and simply gazed upon their adorable little son, with the long, wavy dark mop of hair falling softly on the pillows, and then turned…and walked away to their own room. Unaware, little Harry James Granger-Snape slept on…as yet unaware of the important history of his name…but he would learn one day…

And on that day, long in the future that no one could predict, he would live up to his namesake and throw down the Dark Lord that ruled their world with an iron fist…but for now, he was an innocent four year old boy, basking in the love of parents who adored his every move…

**~)0(~**

**Grawp & Rita Skeeter**

On the road to the greatest scoop of her entire writing career, sometimes one must put up with the unimaginable…Rita could already see the headlines now: "**Hogwarts BIG Secret! –Chained Children in Forest Scandal!**" Here was one reporter who wouldn't pull any punches!

The gargantuan creature leant forwards and offered her something, and no matter how her skin crawled at the thought of contact with the creature…this 'Grawp'…she pasted a fake smile on and reached for it. It was his most prized possession, a handlebar from a Muggle bicycle, with a small bell attached; he trilled it once in demonstration and handed it over without hesitation…

Part of her that still had a soul –the non-journalist part- was rather touched, and her smile broadened the slightest fraction; her nimble fingers found the little tab on the side of the bell and pushed…a high ringing noise filled the air and faded away. Grawp clapped his large hands together with a sound like thunder…and she handed the item back, to his delight.

She, herself, had spent many a day in the forest, slowly gaining his trust in order for her story to work…to get the photo, the information, the story. A Journalist's dream was this 'scandal' she was brewing. But it took a lot of planning…and a lot of personal interaction with the creature…working on his affections to the point where he loved her more than any other in the world, even his half-brother, that oafish creature…Hagrid. Why Dumbledore kept him around, Rita would never know!

Was this wrong? Probably…but who really cared, as long as she got her story…

**~)0(~**

**Voldemort/Hermione:**

Trapped in the Ministry of Magic, in the cold, deserted stretch of endless shelves lined with orbs that was the hidden Department of Mysteries; he could hear their breathing…they were close. He should not be here, he knew…Nagini hissed in distaste for their location, but still the exhilaration existed in being in this place, so close to his enemy…enemies.

That blasted Potter boy and his followers, the Weasley Blood-traitor and the Mudblood Granger; his Death Eaters had already murdered the three others who came with them. He had only recognised one of them, Neville Longbottom, for he was there the night Bellatrix had broken into the Longbottom home and tortured them to insanity…

The other two, he had been informed, were Luna Lovegood –daughter of that amusingly eccentric fool, Xenophilius- and another of the Weasley's…the only girl in that accursed red-headed family. Maliciously, he wondered if the boy had seen the cold, dead body of his sister…ah, that would be a sight to see…maybe he could meld him against the Potter-boy in his grief… Plans swirled about his mind, until the cold grip of reality forced him to duck or be obliterated…

He turned and came face to face with the cold-eyed Mudblood, her expression hard; there came a loud cry of anger and grief, a sound that thrilled his twisted heart…a streak of ginger went past the girl and threw itself at him, with Potter screaming out the boy's name…He tumbled to the ground, a flurry of fists falling on him…and he laughed. The wand in his hand sprang forth and threw a cold purple light into the boy's chest, earning a surprised expression on the grief-stricken face, before he fell back to the cold tile floor.

Potter screamed in time with the Mudblood girl, but the boy still breathed –if barely. They could not see from so far away…and Voldemort laughed at their anguish, making to kill them both…well, maybe torture Potter for a while…but the Mudblood must- Suddenly the world was full of flashing lights. Damn the Blasted Order! Members of the Order of the Phoenix appeared all over, one grabbed Potter and disapperated immediately; in the ensuing chaos of fire between those pathetic people and his faithful Death Eaters, the Mudblood threw herself to her knees by the Blood-traitor…

She frantically tried to rouse him, not realising her peril…and for some strange reason, he was strangely…attracted to her actions; and finding to his delight, that she was within his reach. Voldemort strode over and grabbed at her, scrutinising her face…he vaguely felt a name surface from when he had been attached to Quirrell… Granger. Hermione Granger…

The girl was terrified but defiant, though he held her by the throat…her feet dangled off the ground as he brought her closer to his face to whisper, "_You…are mine now…_" and delighted in the sudden hitch of breath, the smell of fear that emanated from her. Hermione opened her mouth to call for aid, but it was too late already, for he squeezed tighter to stifle her words…

He locked gazes with her, giving back the breath he stole to hear he scream…and then he disapperated, vaguely wondering how the Malfoys would like having a Mudblood in their home…

**~)0(~**

**Aragog & Lavender Brown **

"Who's my little spidey-widey?" she cooed, sickeningly, as Aragog scuttled across the room to her; he may be an exceptionally large arachnid, but luckily…siders were Lavender's secret passion. Which was the main reason she had been so incompatible with that Ronald Weasley-_traitor-weasel-face_…her expression darkened, she had not forgiven him for showing her p in the Infirmary. Damn him.

Still, it was fortunate, for in her anguish, she had run straight into the forest…and straight into Aragog, her new love…he had been intensely interested to hear of her passion for spiders, and her woes…even offering sagely words of advice to comfort her. And she had responded with affection, all the love she had felt for her 'Ickle Won-Won had instantly transferred to this new creature…

Aragog, Leader of the Giant Spider Colony of the Forbidden Forest, had made it clear he felt the same way she did for him, and now he was her Little Spidey-Widey…forever and ever!

**~)0(~**

**Albus Dumbledore & Kingsley Shacklebolt**

"Run!" he cried, shoving the older man out the door and locking it magically; of course he knew it would not be a powerful enough charm to keep out Albus Dumbledore, but perhaps it would be just enough time to save him.

He could not afford to lose the man he loved so dearly to such a ridiculous circumstance, but here it was…Voldemort, himself, lounging in their Living Room. Kingsley had only discovered him there when he'd come down for a midnight snack, to discover the Dark Lord with his feet up on their coffee table, remote in one hand and the other stretched out on the couch. Some inane sitcom on television…

As disturbing as that image was…the moment had not lasted long before Voldemort had come for him, screaming for Dumbledore to face him so that the _true master _of the Eldar Wand had come to claim it. But Kingsley was an Auror, and not one to cower in the face of danger…and so, he took on the Dark Lord by himself. Barring his lover from the room when Albus came down to protect him from Voldemort…

This moment of reflection was costly, and as the green burst of fire slammed into his chest, he felt a sense of calm steal over him…even as he heard Albus call his name… sometimes there were things worth dying for, and he was one of them…

And the world was gone…

**~)0(~**

**Aragog & Molly Weasley**

It had started when Ginny had screamed. Molly whipped around at the sound of her daughter's panic…and had to do a double-take, for it was not only Ginny, but also Ron who was standing, side by side and grasping each other in terror, upon a chair in the center of the Kitchen… She sighed. At least the Twins weren't home-…the door burst open like a firecracker, two identical creatures appeared, took a moment to assess the situation, and began to laugh uproariously… Thankfully, though, they made no comment about the whole situation. Just stood as silent observers…

She grabbed for the nearest broom, and began to methodically search the floor for the eight-legged culprit…and froze; as did the Twins. The reason for the sudden terror became apparent… A VERY large arachnid was staring in through the opposite door, staring with large milky-white orbs…at Ron. Who was on the verge of having a heart-attack, likewise Ginny was so pale Fred had to catch her as she passed out…leaving George the thankless task of trying to persuade Ron from the chair…

Which was about as easy as winning a staring contest with a Basilisk…

With Fred cradling Ginny close to his chest and George just catching the limp body of Ron as he finally fainted out of sheer terror –seriously, he had been face-to-face with the Dark Lord _how many times _and it was _spiders _that scared him? She finally snapped out of her awed reverie.

Raising the broom threateningly, she began to shout and run towards it, maternal instincts jammed into overdrive… "Shoo! Get out! Out of my house! Shoo!" nonsensical sayings, some of her shoutings didn't even make sense as she chased it. The creature seemed to grow skittish and run away, though it did not stop her pursuit…the broom was raised high over her head as she came tearing down the hill after it…

And then it stopped, and turned…Molly paused, eight large eyes made the saddest 'pout face' she had ever seen…actually, come to think of it, he was rather cute…like a large, spidery, puppy…

She sighed heavily, "Oh well, you aren't really out to harm us at all, are you? Go on then, shoo, let it not be said that I, Molly Weasley, would hurt an innocent Magical Creature…" she smiled and lowered the broom to a less-threatening position. She turned away to walk back to the Burrow, when she thought she heard someone clear their throat, and whirled about.

"I think we started out on the wrong foot…My name is Aragog, and I'm here to eat your son…" stated the spider, politely.

Molly fainted.

**~)0(~**

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><p><strong>More to Come...<strong>

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><p><strong>As much as I would LOVE a REVIEW, not many of you are doing it...so I won't beg...<strong>

**~*Shazzasbeer Students, comment on the page and use the Special Code Words:_ Acromantula Venom_, to recieve 20 Points for your house.*~ **

**[A few kind words about how awesome a writer I am wouldn't go astray, either...Ego talking.]**

**There are MANY more to come...be prepared...**

**~*Sailorsilvanesti/(Professor) Phoenix Fire 3*~**


	3. Chapter 3: How To Gouge Out Your Eyes Wi

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any associated characters...I do happen to own one VERY disturbing Imagination...and a Salad Fork...**

**This was inspired by the "Most Disturbing HP Pairing You Can Think of Right This Instant?" Question on both FB Pages:**

**Shazzasbeer: The Australian School of Witchcraft & Wizardry**

**The 7 HP books are my 7 horcruxes, without them i wouldn't have a life**

**Enjoy...**

**FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY: Please have a Salad Fork Handy...**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: How to Gouge your Eyes Out with a Salad Fork 101<strong>

**~)0(~**

**Kreacher & Bellatrix **

"Oh Mistress, Kreacher is full of sorrow…and shame. He was forced to let Mudbloods and traitors into the Sacred Black Manor… " the creature, aptly named, bowed and grovelled at her feet; Bellatrix thought on the matter further before deciding not to punish him. "Oh, get up!" she commanded.

"As the Mistress commands," grovelled the House Elf, bowing and scraping at her feet; ego stoked, Bellatrix found herself warming to this kindred spirit…this strange, twisted of body, little Kreacher who revered the Purebloods as she, herself did…and, most importantly, hated the Muggles, Mudbloods and Traitors…

When the large, misty orbs full of knowledge and age gazed up at her, in their depths, she saw that he too felt as she did…her heart skipped a beat a moment and for the first time since meeting Voldemort, Bellatrix wondered…

_Is this Love…?_

**~)0(~**

**Fred & Pansy Parkinson**

"_Aguamenti_ _Belferon_!" Fred cried out, and from his wand, scores of multi-coloured water-balloons flew out in a wide arc that encompassed his foe; some burst to reveal water, others confetti, and yet more as various other disturbing potions. Onlookers ran the risk of being turned into all manner of creatures…

"Protego!" shrieked his opponent, flinging herself behind the shield and hunkering down to avoid becoming a giraffe like a rather unfortunate Neville Longbottom…she whirled about to throw a counter-curse at him, but someone –or several someones- threw out a burst of silver light… Silver-coloured creatures pranced amongst them, most notably an impressive Stag, a small dog, a hare, an otter and a rather sad-looking meerkat…

Immediately, Fred cast his own Patronus, the identical meerkat leaping forth to frolic with the original; Harry strode through the crowd, flanked by Ron, Hermione, Luna and George. "Alright, enough you two…very impressive, but…a tad destructive…" Harry grinned, nodding to where Hermione and Ron were now attempting to reverse Neville's drastic transformation…a silvery otter swam overhead, chased by a small silver puppy…

Pansy Parkinson strode across the room with the patented arrogance of a Slytherin, just being here was a giant risk for her; they all knew why she came, of course, and it wasn't for the secret Defence Lessons… Ginny came flying through the door, "Umbridge heading this way, she knows about the Room of Requirement!" the youngest Weasley was panting, and wild-eyed; from behind came a cry of triumph as Neville was once again…well, _Neville_.

"Nobody panic. Everyone, take the emergency exit, split into your pre-arranged groups; group A to the Library, group B to their Common Rooms and Groups C through E to the Grounds. We'll use the coins for the next meeting and where, now go!" commanded Harry, the clumps of students in the room shifted and morphed into distinctive groups, then they all pelted towards the Emergency Exit Door.

All about them, the Room of Requirement bent and changed, rippling into vivid pink-coloured walls, ceilings, kitten pictures everywhere…Harry, Ron and Hermione dragged George through, leaving only Pansy and Fred alone. "You have to go, Fred, she's coming." Pansy said, pressing close to his chest, and holding tight…their haven for an unspeakable love was slowly fading away into something so completely Umbridge it was frightening and alien…

"I know, Pansy, I just wanted to save, I _love-_…" he started, only to be silenced by her lips, they drew apart, "Now, stupefy me!" she commanded; the red-head hesitated, heart pounding…but she nodded resolutely and assumed the position with wand out. He raised his own, hand shaking and barely managed to whisper, "_Stupefy_!" as his eyes filled with tears…they had to do this far too often for his liking; he never wanted to hurt her…never…

A single tear pooled in the corner of his eyes and dribbled down his cheek as the brilliant flare of red magic shot forth from his wand like an arrow and slammed home in the centre of her chest, sending Pansy flying back several paces to curl on the floor, wand touching her fingertips by the barest of margins…

George ran back in the room with a worried expression, grabbed his arm in a gesture of fear, sympathy and impatience, and then proceeded to drag his twin away… All Fred could do was stare at the suddenly small body by the far corner of the horrifically pink room as an austere mahogany door creaked open at the far end of the room; and they were gone…

~)0(~

Bursting through the room with her small Inquisitorial Squad, Umbridge crowed with delight…which then turned to a sour note as she realised those within had gone already…her rage spawned a strange concern as she saw a familiar student sprawled by her feet. Pansy Parkinson. One of her best, a student she'd had her eyes on for some time… Draco Malfoy slid onto his knees, "Pansy? Pansy!" his voice rose a little bit in fear. Umbridge brushed him aside; the girl had obviously been stupefied and would come around momentarily…

There was a soft rasping sound. Umbridge turned the girl's face towards her as the eyes peaked open, one hand clasped tightly about the wand as Pansy swallowed thickly, "_I…almost had them…Professor…_" she whispered with effort. Umbridge stroked her hair tenderly, she loved this child now, "Oh, I know, dear…I know…we'll get them next time…"

She did not see the way Pansy hid her secret smile…if only she knew…

**~)0(~**

**George/Draco**

"Weasley!"

The shout echoed down the hallway, which –as luck would have it- was thankfully abandoned; he paused, clenching his fists to stop them shaking in anger at the brash manner in which Draco always addressed him. George whirled about, something twitching dangerously below one eye as he beheld the smug expression of Malfoy, that blonde git who constantly plagued everyone who wasn't a Slytherin. Most specifically, his little brother and that Potter kid he spent so much time with…not to mention the Granger girl; god, if he ever heard that pompous little twat call poor Hermione a _Mudblood_ again, he would kill him with his own bare hands…

"Weasley! Wait for me!" George froze, that was new…Draco came flying up the corridor…no, literally, _flying_. How the _Hippogriff'd_ he ever get the broomstick past Professor McGonagall? He felt his mouth fall open in surprise and hated himself for the momentary lapse in his twenty-four hour hatred system…definitely needed to do some glowering to make it up, at least he had Potions next... "Like it, Weasley? Father just sent me this, it's a PhoenixFire 4000…but it's not the only broomstick I have…" George was taken aback. Wait…was, was Draco coming on to him…?

"It never fails to '_hover_' on command…" the lewd voice continues, then became serious, "So I have decided you may have it…It's only a Nimbus 2000, but it's _much_ better than that firewood you're currently _riding_ during matches." George held up his hands, "Wait, whoa there…now I'm _really _confused! Look, just because my brother and your former-girlfriend are dating, it doesn't mean we have to like each other…I thought you hated Ron and us Weasleys, anyway?"

Draco blinked and slipped side-saddle on the broomstick, coming closer until the pair were inches apart, "Well, since I can't have Ron, -blast Potter and his ability to steal things I want-, and the only other Weasley at Hogwarts apart from you is dating Pansy…well, you can see my dilemma…" he breathed. George found himself rather offended. "So I'm like, Plan B…no, wait, that was Fred! I'm the last-ditch chance? Well, I'm sorry, but that's just not me!"

He turned away, furious, and stalked away; striding down the hallway, failing to see the look of hurt in Draco's eyes as the blonde cried out a strangled, "Wait!" The raw pain in his voice was augmented by anguish, and caused George to pause in surprise; turning slowly as if not by his own will… "I was only kidding, please George…I thought you'd respond to the joke…please don't leave me! I…I lo-…" whispered Malfoy in a small voice, watching the floor with flushed cheeks and the faintest traces of tears pooling in his eyes…

In an instant, he was beside the blonde, cupping the chin in one hand to tilt the head back and stare deep into his eyes, looking for traces of love potion or deceit…he wouldn't put it past that Hermione Granger to have slipped a little 'something extra' into his pumpkin juice the other night… There was nothing there but shining honesty, and the ever-present fear of rejection that always haunted the younger boy's eyes; it seemed, no matter sho your father was, if he was too important to spend time with you…no amount of expensive gifts could replace the aching loss of time and affection.

George sighed and rubbed his eyes, "Draco…what will your father say…I thought he hated us Weasleys?" Head jerking upright in surprise, the younger blond was caught off-guard by George as he swooped down to press his lips against the other's. There was a momentary moment filled with the clichéd fireworks, cherubs and strange violin music that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once –a definite sign Hermione was watching and playing up the moment with her mastery of magic…

Draco moved back in a dreamlike state, "You know…I think I'll have father send another PhoenixFire 4000 for you also…I may like being caught…and you'll never do it on the old thing I was going to give you!" he grinned lecherously, but the smile fell when he saw the sombre expression on George's face… "Draco…I was being serious! What will your Father say when he finds out about…well…" there was a pink tinge that flushed over his cheeks and up the tips of his ears, blending rather nicely with the red mop of hair falling into his eyes.

"_Us_?" Draco breathed, moving closer and eyeing the other in a rather worrying fashion that reminded any who gazed upon the moment as a predator stalking paralysed prey; he raised a blonde eyebrow with a quirky smirk that he'd trademarked, "Oh, I don't see a problem there…after all, I shall simply phrase it so as to bring the best elements into light…" The Weasley Twin blinked, not having heard quite so many multi-syllabled words since his last Transfiguration lesson… "Uh, how…exactly? I mean, my parents would love to have you and everything, I think they always knew but…you might have to excuse any loathing glances you receive from Ron for a while, at least until he realises you aren't as big a twat as he thinks…"

Bursting out laughing and toppling from the broomstick, Draco lay on the floor wiping tears of mirth from his eyes,; accepting George's hand upright, he slid back on the broom. "Oh, I can well understand _Weasel-_ uh, _Ron_'s – reluctance. However, as to the issue of my father, it should come as a shock to find out I will not be marrying the girl he has chosen…but I do believe I will phrase it short and sharp. Catch him off-guard if you will…"

George's eye twitched again, "Draco, spit it out! Just tell me, or I won't kiss you again!" then flushed at the strained tone, he actually really wanted to…so much for him being a 'pompous little twat' only a few moments earlier…he was a _sexy_ pompous little twat _who had a crush on him_…which made him the centre of George's universe right now. Even if he was the source of his major frustration…

Draco came so close, his warm breath was ghosting over the Twin's neck as the other whispered in his ear, "I will wait until he is reading in his study and walk in, hand in hand with you…when he asks what is going on, just smile. When he turns a blinding red, I shall then utter the words, '_At least my boyfriend's a Pureblood, Father!_' and walk out."

"You are a Devious little…_ferret_…aren't you, Malfoy?" he beamed, earning a whack on the shoulder and another kiss for mentioning the… 'incident' with Moody; although, the image was burned into many a mind and remembered with broad smiles…Draco still didn't see the funny side of things. That would change…

His eyes flickered to the right as a concealed someone gave a squeak of realisation and the strange music started up again, he broke away, "Hermione, thanks but you don't have to…oh and…could you tell Ron for me? And, uh, remember now, the correct incantation for a shield spell is '_Protego_'…" A vague shape detached itself from the darkness, nodded and disappeared; Draco murmured against his lips, "Shield charm…?"

George smiled, "You'll see…"

~)0(~

"He WHAT?" came the cry as it echoed through the entire castle, George grinned from where he was secreted in the Slytherin Common Room –any objections had been quickly suppressed by Crabbe and Goyle, if not George's glare itself- as Ron's high, cracked exclamation reverberated through the room. Slightly offset by the sound of violin music from the corridor above…he suddenly realised he should have turned the charm off…

"Protego!"

The cry of an activating shield charm echoed through two voices from the above Common Room, loud enough for the whole castle to hear…he grinned in pride, yep…Ron was a Weasley alright! Fred had been surprised, mainly at his choosing _Malfoy_ of all people, but in their weird Twin-way…had expressed how pleased he was that George was happy. Maybe he should avoid the Gryffindor Common Room until he was certain Ron was either asleep or Hermione had slipped some Sleeping Draught into his butterbeer. Musings were cut short as Draco entered the small dorm room void of anyone but themselves, "Ah, there you are!"

"Where else would I be? It's safer here than anywhere Ron can get to me!" he exclaimed as a furious yelling began outside the secret entrance to Slytherin, obviously a certain brother, and his little friends. Pinging noises, an explosion…Professor Snape and probably…yes, that was McGonagall…trying to get through the wall into the Slytherin Common Room; well, that was unexpected…

Crabbe and Goyle barred the door to the Dormitory, Draco actually started to look a little panicked for a moment as George's mind whirred, wondering how the Hippogriff they were going to get out of here before Ron killed them both…well, Draco at the least, Ron might only maim him... Then he smacked his forehead.

_Of course!_

"What the-?" cried Malfoy as George grabbed him about the waist, there were the sounds of a battle outside and someone being Stupified; pressing Draco to him, he apperated away from the battle to the Gryffindor Common Room with the help of a little Rule-Bending Rocky Road he and Fred had made last week… a little something they'd intentionally kept from the Skiving Snackboxes…

Sudden silence was overwhelming as the entire conglomeration of Gryffindors stared at them, and they stared back, Draco's eyes wide in surprise at the room's warmth and life in comparison with his own House's secretive Common room… "You should hide," suggested Neville Longbottom from the other end of the room, breaking the silence and allowing a verbal floodtide to erupt. "Ron is going to kill you, but only if Harry doesn't get to you first…I'd hide you in our dorm but…you know, I share it with both of them." He shrugged; his girlfriend Luna thought a moment and said, "You could always come to Ravenclaw…" and turned her vague gaze towards the portrait hole… George clapped his hands together with a loud exclamation of, "Magnificent! Come here!"

Luna wandered over, Neville's hand on resting on her arm until the last possible moment; George rolled his eyes, "You can come too, Longbottom!" simultaneously grabbing Draco about the waist, yanking Luna closer and grabbing Neville by his shirt collar…throwing candy into his mouth as he did so.

There was a loud, "How come _I _have to be the girl?" from Draco as they disapperated…

George pretended not to hear…but his smirk grew…

**~)0(~**

**CROSSOVER: Rumblerawr and Dumbledore**

"Would you like to go for a ride on my back, Dumble-dear?" asked the great, talking magical lion from across the table. Looking over his "Daily Prophet", Dumbledore responded to the endearment in the statement, "Why of course, Rumble-Romeo!" and smiled widely.

Mars was rather beautiful tonight and Pigfarts was bustling due to the upcoming ball…though, how they were going to get all the exchange students from Hogwarts now that the Rocket was broken…was anyone's guess!

Rumblerawr stood by the great windows, simply waiting, but turned back on a thought, "Have you got your Spacesuit on, Dumbledore?" he asked. Half-stuck in the closet, clothes flying out behind him left and right, there came a cry of triumph, "That I do, Rumblerawr!" Dumbledore smiled and appeared with it half-on, "And look who else I found?"

"Hello Rumbly! Hello, Dumble-dear!" cried the Scarf of Sexual Preference, "Can we go for a ride?"

**~)0(~**

**Hagrid & Rita Skeeter**

"How…quaint, Hagrid dear…" she smiled thinly as she surveyed their new home, his ramshackle little hut on the edge of Hogwarts, near that blasted forest! The man was so stubborn he had downright refused to move into her neat little flat in London…of course, she could see his reasoning for it, but still…

"D'ya want me ta carry you o'er the Threshold, dear? It's tradition, ain't it?" Hagrid rumbled from behind her; her misgivings were forgotten as she leapt, cat-like, into his arms and laughed…for once without the company of her patented Quick Quotes Quill. Though it _had_ made the Wedding Invitations so much more entertaining…even if they had promised one of them would fight a dragon for the other's hand…

Rita was acutely aware of the tiny burn mark in her veil where the not-so-little Norbert [or was it Norbertta now they knew 'he' was a she…?] had gotten through her shield charm; in a complete reversal of roles, it had been she who had fought a dragon for Hagrid's hand…and, on the plus side, she had both the inside scoop and the personal interview with herself…

The story was already coming together in her mind as Rita looked up at her new husband and smiled brilliantly, "Of course, Darling, let's go inside…"

**~)0(~**

**Bellatrix & Gilderoy Lockhart **

"Please! No more! Please!" screeched the man writhing on the floor, the foremost expert on Werewolves…or should she say, the _former_ expert? With a loud screech, she slammed another yellow Crucio spell into Abron Douglingworth's chest and laughed as he was thrown back several feet… A hand patted her arm, "Can I have a go now, dearest?" asked an excited Gilderoy, clapping his hands together and bouncing up and down like an excited child…

Her cruel lips turned up I a smile of amusement, she could never deny the man anything, and waved him forwards. "Crucio!" said the man in a rather pompous tone, earning only a weak bolt of light…he pouted, bottom lip quivering…she stepped forwards and took his wand-hand in her own. "No, no, lovely one…say it like you want to hurt him…it's more fun that way…" she whispered in his ear, breath ghosting over the skin and raising goosebumps. Lockhart nodded and glared at the man on the ground again, eyes taking on the dark tint she loved to see ever since she broke his mind, "CRUCIO!"

He broke the wall, slamming the man through it…grinning like an evil fool, Gilderoy strode over and, with a very officious, "Obliviate!" he destroyed the man's memories. "Seems it's time for me to write another book, Bella. I feel like writing about…Werewolves…" he beamed. Bellatrix came over and snuggled closer, sighing in contentment…

She loved it when they went out…

**~)0(~**

**Hagrid & Lockhart**

"And you say this is a Blast-Ended _Skrewt_, then?" he asked, this time enunciating on the second-last word to give depth to the statement, but his voice broke…it was hopeless! He tried one more time, posing before the mirror in his office, "So, this is a Blast-Ended Skrewt, _then_?" No, that sounded too cocky…

Gah! Why was this so hard?

All he wanted to do was be able to strike up a conversation with the man he watched from afar, when the other was not looking…the man he…he… Shame flooded his cheeks, even in his own imaginings he couldn't say the word, so how could he in real life? In desperation, he turned back to the mirror, posing with both hands on his hips and smiling in the way that made women faint… "So, Hagrid…tell me about these Blast-Ended Skrewts of yours?"

There was a loud crash as the mirror shattered under his fist…

**~)0(~**

**Ron & McGonagall**

"Put your hand on my _waist_, Mr Weasley!" his goddess called out sharply, he gulped as the rest of the room laughed; seemingly thinking he was terrified of her…but if they knew the truth, would they laugh still?

As she tried to move him and his two left feet about the room in rhythmic steps, it felt as if he was floating on air…the music whirred and span around and around, repetitive beat helping to make the connection between time and movement. Gradually, the steps fell into place…and he was dancing properly!

The song ended. "Well, Mr Weasley, it seems you _are_ capable of a two-step if you put your mind to it, very good! 50 points to Gryffindor for his efforts! Now, everyone else partner up and come out on the floor to have a try…" Professor McGonagall said, turning away from him to conduct the rest of their Year in their first clumsy attempts at dancing with each other.

She would never know how much that dance had meant to him…and, even as he snapped back to the present with a sharp blink as a fumbling Neville flushed and asked if he would mind being his partner for the dance, considering the lack of females left. Without even thinking, he took up the other's hand and was surprised when McGonagall came back over to them.

"No, No, no…boys, one of you must give, you can't both take the lead here!" she smiled as they both realised where their hands were; and let go simultaneously with a very masculine fit of embarrassed coughing and hand wiping. "Mr Weasley, you were the lead before, maybe it is time you let Mr Longbottom lead this time…" suggested his goddess, well…her wish, his command…

"Alright then…" he smiled sheepishly and held out his hand for Neville's, who took it and placed the other free hand on Ron's shoulder for lack of any other idea…Ron sighed and rolled his eyes theatrically as Minerva McGonagall watched the pair intently.

"My _waist_, Neville…put your hand on my _waist_!" he sighed, Neville flushed crimson and she began to laugh… Ron smiled.

**~)0(~**

**Lucius Malfoy & Hedwig…**

A precocious animal, to be sure. That blasted Potter-child's owl was sitting on his desk, making cooing noises at him…highly unusual, but then again…his previous owl, Nightwing, had been jet-back and spewed flame on command. And yet, this…Hedwig, was strangely alluring, in her own way; she had just the right way of reflecting the light from the window in her eyes…making them sparkle brilliantly in an annoying clever ploy for attention. Lucius Malfoy sighed, finally giving up on the pile of parchment forms before him and placing the quill back in it's inkpot; he turned to look at her and stretched out a hand for the letter she had brought…

A missive from Draco, apparently his owl was injured and there weren't any school owls left, so Potter…his _current_ boyfriend, [he always rolled his eyes when he heard Draco had chosen another partner, male or female, because it never lasted longer than a week or so. Though, Harry was another matter entirely, he had lasted an entire month already…] had offered his owl, Hedwig. Grades were good, won a Quidditch match over Hufflepuff…etc. etc.

The usual…

Talons clicked across the surface of the table, he looked over the edge of the parchment letter to stare at her suddenly very close pair of eyes; luminous and large before him. Well, he supposed in a strange way, as he reached for his wand, (secreted in the second drawer of his desk) and flicked it so the sumptuous, heavy deep green drapes fell over the ornate windows.

"Well, Hedwig…it seems it is just you and I here…and I seem to find my entire afternoon free…any suggestions?" he grinned. Hedwig just let out a rather deep hoot and shuffled closer…

**~)0(~**

**Hagrid & Luna**

That moment you regret doing something…? Yeah, this was one of them…

As the dragon finished chomping on the remains, a small hunk of blonde hair and an exceptionally familiar hand fell to the ground by his feet and his large heart sank… A left hand. _Her_ left hand…still with the small golden band on it…

Hagrid rubbed at the tears falling down his face with the large, off-colour yellow hanky he'd stowed in his beard…he knew he shouldn't have brought her to meet his newest pet, Annoria…the young Hungarian Horntail was happy to munch on anything that moved… In the same way, he knew he should never have joked that Horntails were known to have colonies of Nargles in their throats…

Luna had always been too trusting…and it was he who failed her…

**~)0(~**

**Fred & McGonagall **

Running her fingers over the solemn tombstone, Minerva McGonagall trailed her fingers over the carefully carved name on the marble slab. Fred Weasley. Twin, Brother, Son, Beloved Friend. She would miss him. The way he laughed, his smile…the strange pranks he would pull… Yes, she would miss her little lover…he was her whole world, and now he was gone.

The world was cruel…well, so must she be…her heart turned hard and cold as stone.

**~)0(~**

**Slughorn & McGonagall…**

"Come in, Come in, my Dear! I was just readying tonight's banquet for the selected students, Potter is coming…so is that charming Miss Granger, so clever… Now, where were we?" Professor Slughorn ushered her inside, away from the gaggle of students who watched their movements with suspicion an instant, then turned away. Safe in their little worlds of ignorance…

"I do believe," came Minerva's voice as she pinned him to the closed door, "It was somewhere about…here…" and she swooped down on him… Looks like they'd completely have to redo the table decorations after all…

**~)0(~**

**Lucius & Dobby**

"You, servant creature!" the voice was loud and officious, echoing about the Manor as if he'd used an amplification spell; Dobby turned to look up from his dusting to see Master Lucius striding towards him. "Is your Mistress, Narcissa, present?" he asked, to which Dobby grovelled and bowed down, "No, Master Lucius, the Mistress has gone out to speak to her friends and will not be back until tonight…" he bowed again. Pillowcase flapping unflatteringly about his thin, rakish body…all painfully thin angles and large eyes.

A hand stroked one of his ears, gently and with affection as a deep voice sent shivers down his spine, "Then, it seems we have quite some time to…change the sheets in the Master Bedroom, Dobby…"

Never one to disobey an order, he followed behind the tall, blonde human…

**~)0(~**

**Trolley Lady & Hannah Abbott **

Quietly, her breathing calm and soft in the small compartment…the station was long distant from sight; her previous companions long gone in two different directions… Neville Longbottom chasing Trevor down one hallway, and Luna 'Loony' Lovegood off down the other end of the train to find someone to listen to her obscure theories about 'Wrackspurts'.

Hannah Abbott of Hufflepuff looked forwards to her second year at Hogwarts, though her age-mates were all slightly crazy…well, it probably came from having the most famous wizard of all time in their year level… For a good hour she had remained in a dream-like state, rather wishing Neville would leave so she could corner Luna, the golden goddess, on her own…and shooting furtive glances at the other, hoping against hope she either noticed or remained oblivious. It was the latter, sadly. And when the other girl had stood up to leave with Trevor the toad as he made good his escape through the open compartment door, her heart had sunk low in her chest and depression set in like a giant, ominous storm cloud hanging over her head.

Then, Hannah's life took an interesting turn…

There was a soft rapping at the doorway, she flinched and turned quickly to see who was there…a lovely looking woman stood with a small cart full of, what could only be described as, the cornucopia of wizard candy! She made a low moan in her throat at the sight and shifted across the seat to be closer… Her normally sweet face taking on a feral gleam at the prospect of such a feast…

The woman smiled gently and asked, "Anything from the Trolley, dearie?"

Her lips parted in a grin, "Yes…You!" she cried and leapt forwards, snatching the woman and pulling her back into the abandoned compartment…as the door slid closed with a soft click, a concealed Harry in his invisibility cloak fainted in pure shock…

**~)0(~**

* * *

><p><strong>Another uber-disturbing set of drabbles down, more coming... [Be Afraid...they get worse...]<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>SHAZZASBEER STUDENTS:<strong>

**Earn 50 Points for your House by simply going to the School Page and Posting the answer to the following question, with your House [Roospouch, Emudust, Bilbyburrow, Kookaburralaugh]:**

**~*What type of Broomstick Am I?*~**

* * *

><p><strong>Next Chapter - Chapter 4: The Foetal Position 101.<strong>

**PLEASE REVIEW, see you soon...**

**~*SailorSilvanesti/Professor PF 3*~**


	4. Chapter 4: The Foetal Position 101

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter...and I blame my disturbed imagination for these...**

**Alright, so most of you know how this works, what with the _'MOST DISTURBING HP PAIRING YOU CAN THINK OF RIGHT THIS INSTANT?_' question I put up on several FaceBook HP pages. [Including Shazzasbeer: Australian School of Witchcraft & Wizardry]**

**But, we of the FB page 'The 7 HP books are my 7 Horcruxes without them, I wouldn't have a Life' were alittle more involved this time. **

**The Admins are: Peeves, Padfoot, Elvendork, Mrs Malfoy, Moony, Prongs, Hedwig, Tonks & Me [Phoenix Fire]... **

**The Last Drabble was inspired by an accusation during our last 'Admin War'...**

**ENJOY!^^**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: The Foetal Position 101<strong>

**~)0(~**

**Firenze the Centaur & Dolores Umbridge **

"See how the Heavens dance, my love?" he whispered softly in the silence to the sleeping woman by his side; her hand was softly spread across his chest in sleep, two fingers gently pressing against the hoof-shaped bruise there. His people did not understand. No could understand what they shared.

This connection was so deep and unspoken…

This strangely alluring woman with her love of pink and kittens, her views on 'half-breeds' that melted away day by day, like the wall of ice around her heart…

No. The world could never understand her. Them.

But he could. And Firenze was happy.

**~)0(~**

**Firenze & Mama Umbridge [AVPS]**

"Did you get my text?" came the battle-cry that began each and every day of their lives…Firenze snorted around his cigarette as the strange red-headed friend of Potter's ogled at his…bludgers…

"Thank you for your help in finding me a woman of such great strength she could play with centaurs, Harry Potter. We shall name our first son after you, and the second Ron, for your friend…and any daughter or female-shaped one will be named 'Night Troll' in honour of you, little girl." He smiled at them, benevolently.

"Did you get my text?" the noise was louder now and concerningly close, Harry, Ron and Hermy-one looked to each other, blanched and ran for it.

Firenze sighed, a pregnant Mama Umbridge…was a dangerous Mama Umbridge, and he had to face off against her all alone… Maybe it would have been kinder to let the centaur race die out…?

**~)0(~**

**Draco/Apple**

The luscious surface was smooth to the touch, green as the grass and truly beautiful; well, green had always been one of his favourite colours…how could it not be? Draco was, is, and always would be, a Slytherin at heart… Therefore green was the colour of the day, the month, the year…and the colour of his secret obsession.

Hoarded under his bed in a small box, lay the most perfect item in all existence…so many spells layered it's unmarred surface, age and nomming would not deplete it's beauty…for it simply healed over again and became whole.

Draco fondly remembered the time he nearly took that miserable creature, -Doorbell or something-'s head off for daring to touch the…Precious. He had snarled, snatched it back and toe-punted the mangy creature out of his room and, in that short moment decided the only safe place for it, was at his side…

And so it had come to pass, his one true love, his beautiful green apple, had come to Hogwarts…and eventually ended up achieving House fame for conking Potter one in the forehead during a Quidditch match.

Non-regulation weaponry rules aside…

Yes, now all that stood between Draco and Happiness was one small rule preventing Wizards or Witches from marrying objects, but he had a plan to overcome this, you see…his Father would hear about this!

**~)0(~**

**Neville/Trevor **

Where WAS that damnable creature?

A quivering mess of nerves and slime at all hours of the day or night, especially since they'd entered this grandiose old castle that simply screamed magic from even the smallest of nooks and crannies. This… 'school of magic', as it were… was both wonderful…and worrisome. For he was _forever losing_ the other…and this was quite concerning, for he knew the other would never survive in a place such as this when alone!

No, it was his duty to love and protect the other…and, well…it could not be said such a duty was exactly a _burden_. It was not as if the human was unfair to look at, …what was the human word again…ugly?

Oh no, -to the contrary- he took great pleasure in playing innocently unaware as the boy changed his robes of a morning and evening…waiting until Neville's head was completely obscured in some tight shirt or other before turning his attention to leering at the attractive form. Oh, what a pervert he had become…the shame was not quite as overwhelming as his desire to simply stop playing dumb and confess to the boy…

Such a desire presented it's own merits…and problems. Imagine, if you will, your 'pet' of many years decides –_of it's own accord_- to begin speaking…and not just any words, but a concentrated effort to 'woo' you… His thought train halted. How _exactly_ does one, '_woo_' an eleven year old human male without it becoming apparent of his growing feelings…or ability to talk…?

However, he was saved from such existential issues by a concerned voice crying out, "Oh, _there_ you are Trevor! I've searched all of Hogwarts for you, where on earth do you go when you disappear?"

As the slender, slightly moist hands lifted him up and cradled the toad gently in two cupped palms, Trevor settled down slightly and nuzzled into the 'embrace'. Maybe later, he mused; he would tell the boy…_later_… For now, it was shower time, and he planned to get front row seats to such an exclusive event…

There was a silent moment as all that could be heard was a faint, distant, murmuring of students engrossed in conversation, and Neville's nervous, hurried footsteps,; when there came a shrill cry of, "Trevor! Are you…it's impossible but… You _ARE_! You're _Drooling_!"

At the indignant cry, an involuntary, 'Am NOT!' echoed clearly through the corridors and was softly echoed by a strangled, inarticulate squeak, and the rustling material sound of Neville Longbottom fainting.

Trevor swore loudly…in Toad-enese…

**~)0(~**

**Voldemort & Mrs Norris**

Cruel. Vindictive…so utterly evil, she practically radiated the desire to tear those around her to shreds… His soul-mate! Never had he felt such an attraction to such a strange creature, even Nagini seemed but a fleeting attraction in the face of this…this…evil _Goddess!_

Sitting high atop a pile of broken and bloodied bodies, she sat and licked at her paws…a dainty, beautiful motion that put those who beheld it into a strange illusion of safety, ease and comfort; though her hidden eyes beheld such deep secrets. The luminous orbs lifted from her fur to his own, a warning flashed through them and he nodded respectfully to the creature…

She leapt from the stack and trod carefully through the discarded dead students, ones she had personally terrorised in life and now, even in death, showed her superiority to their corpses…

Voldemort felt his heart still for but a moment, and gasped slightly…no more than a simple parting of lips and a sucking in of breath, but there… Could this be…_Love_? Love for such a perfectly evil creature that, even now, trotted daintily over the head of her former master and caretaker, Argus Filch. His eyes gazed accusingly after her, the mouth agape grotesquely and head snapped at the wrong angle for life to be sustained…

He –the Dark Lord- knelt in homage to her, and she deigned to rub against an outstretched hand with a soft purring sound… "Oh Mrs Norris, we can do great things together…_great things_…" His voice trailed off, eyes distant as he already retreated into glorious visions of the world burning at their feet.

~~)0(~~

In his distraction, Mrs Norris padded over to the limp corpse-like figure of a familiar student with a dark mop of hair…not feet away from a barely-breathing red-headed teen and a smartly-dressed female with frizzy hair; all sprawled three on the floor and bleeding slow, painful trickles…eyes dimming as their expressions asked what their dwindling strength could not. Why?

Why had she killed Harry Potter? A good question if ever there was one… Her claws raked down the pasty flesh of the dying Weasley child as the Mudblood girl screamed weakly for her to stop… Why?

Mrs Norris pondered the question as Ronald thrashed and suddenly stilled, horrifyingly still…

Why? Because she could.

And, with cold efficiency, turned towards the Granger-girl, menace in her eyes and scalpel-sharp claws out on display, drowning in the pleasure of seeing the fear fill the Mudblood's eyes…

**~)0(~**

**Dobby/Dumbledore/Socks **

Coy eyes as large as tennis balls beheld him, from across the old, harshly-scrubbed table; he was surprised to his own reaction, the emerald-green eyes had always been alluring in the past, but this seemed different… As if the Elf himself was aware of the attraction and was trying to…

By Merlin's Beard! Who knew you could do such things in a beanie? That was…rather exciting, actually… Albus Dumbledore continued to sit there, watching the most erotic display of laundry folding the world had ever seen…when it hit him, of all the items, he had seemingly noticed a singular item where there should have been a pair.

"Dear Elf, pray tell me, why is there but one sock in your wash?" he asked, curious, leaning over the table. Sheepishly, or perhaps, with more feigned fear than natural…the House Elf turned to face the Headmaster with a…yes, that was definitely not an innocent gaze, rather more suited to a streetwalker…

"Dobby thought you'd never ask, Professor Dumbledore, sir…Dobby did wash two socks, sir, but there is a small problem, sir…" he paused to slide off his pillowcase and reveal the location of the last, missing, sock… "Sir might…have to come and…get it, Dobby's stuck…" Grinned the little bugger, lecherously.

Never before in his entire Wizarding Career, had Albus Dumbledore moved so fast to do the laundry…

**~)0(~**

**Aragog & the Giant Squid **

He wrestled with the other, a passionate game; both panting hard by now as many limbs fought others, sweat of unusual kinds poured down either huge body…Aragog closed his eight eyes and prayed hard, trying to stop the inevitable, to make it last a little longer…but it was not to be…

There was wet laughter from below the Great Lake's surface as the Giant Squid informed the squinting Acromantula that he had, indeed, just been played. He opened all his eyes simultaneously, and saw that, yes indeed, the Squid had just managed to destroy his perfect winning streak with a rock…his extended leg quivered and fell to the ground in defeat.

Aragog sighed heavily, ignoring Hervey the Squid for a moment as he sulked thoroughly…that was the last time HE played '_Rock, Paper, Scissors_' with that giant cephalopod!

In sympathy for his plight, Hervey the Squid patted Aragog kindly on the head with all the affection their partnership could muster between them…and pushed him in the Lake…

**~)0(~**

**Hermione/Crookshanks **

Trumping down the stairs, Hermione Granger looked absolutely exhausted and drained beyond belief; Ron was first to notice, nudging Harry and nodding at her. "I reckon it's that bloody Vampire she's dating, all those midnight walks and stuff," he said, disgusted. Harry rolled his eyes at the mournful way the red-head had bemoaned the fact to him…

It hadn't _exactly_ been _ALL _Ron's fault the pair had broken up, but, as Hermione had brutally put it, she '_needed someone more on her own, intellectual level_'…a cruel and unusual way of dumping someone, to be certain. He still flinched when he thought of it.

She'd also done it in public, to avoid Ron creating a scene…even the Twins had refrained from mentioning the whole event, and never once joked about…what was fast becoming known as…'_The Incident_'. Harry Potter, _the Chosen One_ and _number-one go-to-guy_ if the world was ever in peril and all that jazz…had been torn between the pair; Hermione wheedling and whining that he needed her more than some useless red-haired lump…and poor Ron, sitting with a sad expression, not saying a word in his own defence.

Harry knew where his loyalties lay…with his new boyfriend, who really needed to smile more; especially right now! His wand let out an explosive 'Bang!' as golden sparks shot from everywhere and coated the room…stunned silence met the accidental wand-splosion, then Ron began to laugh…as did the Twins, their boyfriend Lee Jordan, and…surprisingly enough, Neville Longbottom.

Hermione, however, paled somewhat as a low, menacing hissing growl filled the room from the girl's dormitory. She whirled about and leapt up the flight of stairs in only seconds, prompting everyone in the room to pause and look curiously at her dramatic exit. Harry got up, curious, and dragged Ron along with him…using their brooms [which shouldn't have been in the Common Room anyway, but who was going to tell McGonagall on them, anyway?] to circumvent the 'anti-boy' charm on the staircase… Neither of them felt like testing out whether it perceived gay people as a threat…

Alighting on the very edge of the doorway, avoiding the staircase like the plague, Harry raised his hand to knock…and promptly dropped it, as well as his jaw. Merlin's Baggy Boxers! In the middle of the girl's dormitory, tightly clutching to a furry red monstrosity with something that was far past friendship…was Hermione, with Crookshanks. Their actions were frantic and overly-familiar, he felt his eyes widen behind the thick glasses…Ron whispered a horrified, '_Bloody Hell…_' and the shaking pair turned as one, and walked down the stairs.

Fred and George, noticing something was up, paused the pair to ask…but received nothing beyond, "Hermione…Crookshanks…Oh God…Gonnathrowupinmymouth!" from a pale, trembling and rocking Harry Potter. In exasperation, George turned to his little brother and asked the question again, only to have an unnervingly blank stare meet his own as an even voice intoned, "We didn't see….ANYTHING."

And so, the youngest Weasley male left, dragging a shell-shocked Harry off with him, leaving Fred and George looking after them in shock, for a whole ten seconds, before grabbing Lee and racing up the staircase…which activated the anti-boy charm and sent them all sliding into a pile of groaning, whinging, punning teenage boy. With such gems as, 'Is that your wand, Lee, or are you just happy to see me…?"

Neville walked away, not wanting to know…

But Crookshanks was purring…and Hermione wasn't telling.

**~)0(~**

**Viktor Krum and Ron **

If he heard just _one more bloody_ Quidditch joke about their relationship…someone was going to die; slowly and painfully. Maybe he should have been placed in Slytherin after all…

The large, calloused hand gently rubbed a circle on his arm in comfort and the owner of said hand took to glaring at the offending party…who then promptly turned and ran for it… Ron sighed in exasperated defeat, "It's never going to end, is it?" he rubbed the bridge of his nose as a harsh throbbing set up a pounding beat between his eyes.

The older male jerked back in hurt surprise, eyes softening as they looked at him, "I am sorry zis is how it has turned out, Ronald. I very much like you, but if zis upsets you, we can stop this…_us_." the thickly-accented voice was calm, but held an undertone of pain. His own eyes snapped wide, "What? No! Of course not, Viktor! I just…I mean…" he sighed and tried to collect the words into a coherent sentence as the other held himself in a state of cautious optimism.

"There's just a limit to how many times I can hear lewd 'Quidditch Practice' jokes…and that last one…who said I was '_riding __**your**__ broomstick_' anyway? Why do people automatically assume _I'm_ the damn girl?" he was quietly seething, but the tense mood was interrupted by the loud, deep laughter of his boyfriend. Madam Pince, the Librarian, looked up with a sharp glare and 'Shushed!' the pair, quite harshly.

Ron cowered under her stare, submissively; after a long pause, the officious woman made a soft "_humpf"_ of approval and walked away. "Ah, Ronald, zey simply do not know how beautiful and strong you are, it is very nice to be your boyfriend…" soothed the famous Quidditch Player, earning a baleful glare in his direction.

"Then why don't you tell them all the truth? Not only would it get those bloody girls to stop following us everywhere –and I've had it up to here with all that bloody giggling- but it would be nice to have everyone know who carries the Beater's stick in this relationship. Sick of the '_playing Keeper_' insinuations…" mumbled the adorable red-head, staring down at the desk dejectedly.

Viktor sighed, he had been afraid of just this… "I vould, but you do not understand ze problems zat would unleash, we vould haff no peace…if ze truth got out," he paused and shifted uncomfortably on his chair, "Zere are vorse things than excitable fans. I vould rather not haff to deal with ze fangirls…zey are scary, very scary." He shuddered again, and was relieved as his boyfriend forgot his frump and slid an arm about his broad shoulders…pulling him closer to rest the older teen's head on Ron's shoulder.

There was a comfortable silence as the other seemed to consider the imminent threat of goggling, giggling fangirls…and something else, apparently, as the next words caught Viktor off guard. "Hermione's still pissed, you know," mused the red-head, "Just leaving her there, underwater, with the merpeople…surprised Harry too, I think. You know I was _Harry'_s '_thing that would be most missed'_, right?"

Viktor laughed softly, "Ah yes, but if I had not done so, ve vould not be together now, is zat what you vould vish?" The happy tone was tinged with a concerned question mark…Ron pulled him closer, "No, of course I was pleased you saved me, you're quite alright in the looks department, it's just…"

The Bulgarian tensed for an onslaught.

"…now I'm really concerned I'm going to wake up dead or worse, you know how good Hermione is with her spells. I think the only reason she hasn't killed me yet is she thinks I'd make a good shield for Harry if Voldemort throws a death curse in his generalised direction… Probably bloody safer to take on old noseless, than her, right now. Not to mention – hey, _stop laughing_! Viktor! I'm trying to be serious here and you're just…what am I going to do with you?"

He just laughed harder as the red-head gave up and began to laugh alongside, neither noticing how swiftly the ominous figure of Madam Pince was approaching…

**~)0(~**

**~)0(~**

**[**_*****__cough__*****__**Our**__*****__cough__*****_**] Peeves & Dobby…**

"Oh Peeves, master…" came the thin, reedy voice in the silence; the other turned to acknowledge the beautiful creature with an appraising smile and cooed, "Oh Dobby!"

The House Elf fidgeted nervously as the door to the Room of Requirement closed, "Oh Peeves…" he breathed again, exciting the other. Who was obviously certain a _specific person_ –who shall not be named- was going to come in, wand blazing, and blast the door off its hinges at any moment…

"Oh Dobby, can we-? Should we-? I mean, what if he…?" struggled Peeves with fear to his eyes, casting furtive –rather overdramatic- glances at the door as the House Elf hovered in concern by his ankles. "Oh Peeves, master should not worry, Dobby is sure the other master will not be coming…"

The other obviously relaxed, "Oh Dobby…" he began in a tone sopping with the romance-drenched style of affection only Twilight and cheap romance novels could conjure.

"Oh Peeves…" whispered the Elf right back in the same tone, eyes gazing into the other's sickeningly sweetly…

"_Oh Dobby…"_

"Oh Peeves…"

"_Dobby…_" now a breath.

"Peeves…" Right back at him.

"_Dobby…_!"

"Peeves!"

"Dumbledore!"

There was a momentary pause of silence as the third voice faded away like a Hyena-laugh in the deep of night. The pair shrugged and went back to it…

"Oh Peeves!"

"_Oh Dobby_!"

"Peeves!"

"_Dobby_!"

"DUMBLEDORE!"

This time, the pair were forced to break apart with wide eyes and jaws touching the floor as the Headmaster appeared between the two…from, seemingly nowhere. Old and wise beyond even his vast amount of years, the Professor straightened his robes, fixed his beard and glanced up –almost as if it were an after-thought- at the two creatures and calmly said, "Boo!"

Dobby and Peeves fainted dead away…

Dumbledore chuckled a moment; mumbled low and gravelly about unfaithful husbands, and dragged Peeves away to their Chambers by a foot…

Leaving Dobby alone, in…what appeared to be…a giant laundry room full of socks…

**~)0(~**

* * *

><p><em><strong>TBC...<strong>_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alrighty then, who's scarred for life then?<strong>_

**Come on guys, don't be shy, raise your hands!^^**

**Please REVIEW!^^**

**~*SailorSilvanesti/Phoenix Fire*~**


	5. Chapter 5: In Fanfiction, No One Can Hea

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, though if J.K. Rowling ever read this...she'd either laugh hysterically [before coming to stab me with a wand] or drop dead on the spot.**

**You know why I do this, the question... if you don't refer to blurb in other chapters...**

**CHECKLIST:**

**1. Are you comfortable? **

**2. Is there a space you can safely curl into the foetal position...?**

**3. Do you have a Salad Fork/Spork Handy to gouge your eyes out with ...?**

**4. If you aren't too scarred eternally...please Review? And/or try not to see these in your nightmares.**

**~ENJOY!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5: In Fanfiction, No-one Can Hear You Scream…<strong>

**~)0(~**

**Peeves/Filch/Mrs Norris **

A tension hung in the air between the three, none wishing to be the first to make a move…but they knew instinctually someone had to, so why shouldn't it be the known prankster?  
>Peeves upended a nearby urn, the shattering sound gratingly loud in the thick silence; ringing as clear as a bell from a church tower…in the same way, it had the effect of forcing the others to blink and snap back to reality…<p>

"So…Ickle Potty and his friends are locked in the cupboard down the stairs…do you want to go and give them…a _show_?" Peeves giggled, hovering upside down by Argus' head…Mrs Norris yowled in approval, rubbed against her owner's legs and padded out of the room. Filch gave his most creepily charming smile, raked the lank hair back from his face with grubby fingers and said cheekily, "My broom closet or yours, darling?"

**~)0(~**

**Aberforth & Arianna Dumbledore/Regulus A. Black**

Their kiss was brief and fleeting, hearts in their mouths as he crouched, silhouetted on the window frame, and whispered his love for her… Arianna felt her heart flutter in response to the softly spoken words…

And then he was gone, like a shadow evaporating it's unique shape into the all-consuming darkness of night…his name fell from her lips as eyes glistened, "Oh Regulus…I will wait for you to return…" but she knew, in her heart, that he should never truly have her.  
>She was Aberforth's; and he would stand no competition. And so…secrecy was the key to their love.<p>

Even before Aberforth slid open the door to her room, the window was shut tight against the world, as was her heart…she would never truly be his.

**~)0(~**

**Vernon/Flitwick**

He glared at the smaller male over the top of his no-nonsense Newspaper, from which he had been avidly gazing down the tedious rows of the daily Business report; noting with interest how the other's paper never failed to continue moving unnaturally, even the pictures seemed to interact with one another.

'_Must be some new-fangled technology_,' he told himself, avoiding the issue that he already knew the truth…but was loathe to admit it, even in the sanctity of his own mind. Magic was just one of those issues you didn't bring up around Vernon Dursley; well…that, and his ever-expanding waistline…

He knew. He saw. But he would never say the word aloud. Preferring to dwell in the realm of rigid fantasy, where everything could be explained away by some marvel of science…

"I do believe, dear Fillius, that it soon may be time for you to go on your…_annual vacation_," he said to fill the silence, which was icy at the moment due to the huge row the pair had had the night previous. The smaller man made a '_Harumph_' noise, crisply flicked out his newspaper with an officious crinkling noise, and turned a page…all the while not even bothering to look at the other man.

"Come now, don't be like that…I have already made it quite clear how difficult it was to have that blasted boy in our house for such a long time, and now I must suffer you disappearing for most of the year to some invisible school run by a crack-pot in a bathrobe! Why can you not see it from my perspective for once?" he said sharply, being as straightforward as his tiny, convoluted-logic-driven, Muggle mind would allow.

The shorter man tensed like a volcano about to erupt, slamming the newspaper down on the table ferociously, so that the plates shook and coffee sloshed about and stained the tablecloth of bland green. He spoke not a word as he slid from his chair and strode across the room with clenched fists…

It was at that moment, as Fillius Flitwick, the only man he had ever felt…affection…for, stalked off to the other end of the room and disapperated, perhaps for good, from their home… that Vernon Dursley realised he had made a grave mistake.

And it was too late to take back what he had said. It would forever be too late…

**~)0(~**

**Ron & Scabbers**

It wasn't exactly a glamorous life.

Stashed in a small cage-like space, crammed occasionally against the others in a place too small to contain so many red-heads, and being the least of the Weasley children…but he did have one secret consolation…

Scabbers.

Turns out…he wasn't exactly…all _Rat_. Sure, he figured out something had to be up, considering the little bugger was about eleven or so, but still…it had been a surprise to find a man in the cage, one foot trapped in the little neon green running wheel. Even more surprising, was the affinity the pair had felt.

Well, Ron had kind of spent a half-dozen years bemoaning his life and secrets to the innocuous looking animal in it's cage, so the man was far more clued in on his particular issues with life than his own mother! Wow, was that a depressing thought or what?

Still…it was nice to have someone to speak to…the man, _who preferred to go by Scabbers_, never judged…he laughed like a friend, gave advice like an older brother and was as insatiable as a Horny Hippogriff! Uh…forget you heard that last bit…

Right now, at this very moment, Ron knew he would do anything to save this wonderful man…his technical pet; little did he know in but two short years, he would honour that silent promise by killing Sirius Black and permanently maiming his then Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Remus Lupin, in the Shrieking Shack.

And so what if their love revolutionised the world slightly? His blood was pure. Lord Voldemort would welcome him with open arms for one of those creepy hugs he gave Draco, and then he and Scabbers would be home free.

But for now, he mused as he tugged off his shirt and fell into bed beside the rat that curled close instinctually, for now this was enough…

**~)0(~**

**Remus/Sirius**

To be perfectly honest, they hadn't told the children everything.

No, that would actually lean more towards 'Cruel' than 'Kind', so the pair had omitted certain …_graphic…_ details from their reminiscing about the days when the Marauders had run rampant through the castle. Pranking everything in sight under the watchful golden eye of the sun, and once a month, sneaking out under cover of darkness to play '_animagus_' with Lupin…

Maybe Peter, that dim little kid that traipsed after the trio and worshipped the ground they walked on, hadn't caught on to the truth; but James sure had. He was forever dragging Wormtail away on inane quests so the two of them could have time together in 'the Shack'.

…it wasn't until after they took up residence that those of Hogsmeade renamed it, the 'Shrieking Shack'. Not that they would ever tell Harry… that kid had suffered enough.

**~)0(~**

**Ron/Draco**

The small creature squeaked in utmost horror, terror in its small eyes as the world jerked up and down in rapidly nauseating movements; just a moment before he'd been sneering at Potty and his Weasel friend, and then…

White.

Green flashes and the world was much larger than previously thought…and he was levitating, facing a large contingent of shocked students and age-mates, not to mention a furious Professor Moody. Whose every flick of the wrist sent him careening in all directions; up, down, left, right, diagonals… If this kept up any longer he would find out whether it was physically possible for a…_whatever he was_…to throw up.

Salvation appeared at hand, Professor McGonagall was pushing her way through the spell-bound crowds, screaming at 'Alastor' to put him down…but she was not the one who reacted first… Suddenly 'Mad-Eye' was thrown a full ten feet away and slammed into a brick wall, crumpling down it into a limp pile of robes…a reproachful glare was all his defender scored from McGonagall before she rushed to see if Professor Moody was still alive.

Apparently his being turned into a small furry creature was only second on her 'To Do' list…his father would hear of this. Still, his twitchy little ears flicked back, alighting on the familiar voice of Potty, as he said, "…_here_? Of all places you could choose to-…_here_, really?"

Well, that was certainly cryptic, wasn't it?

And then McGonagall was back, pointing officiously at him with her wand and scouring the crowd with knowing eyes, "_Prettimancus_!" she intoned gravely and the world again shifted violently, like it was made of jelly and someone had jiggled the plate… _White_.

His face pressed against the harsh cobblestones, fingers scrabbling to check if he was really returned to human form; vaguely he heard McGonagall call out in search of Crabbe and Goyle…but they weren't there…they were never there when he needed them. Idiots probably toddled off in some inane plot to save their own worthless necks… they would pay later…

He heard her sigh and seemed on the verge of asking for volunteers, when her tone changed to one of surprise, "You, Weasley?" she asked, he could sense a frown coming on in the way she had spoken, "I find this highly unusual, but I do assume you will be accompanying Mr Malfoy to the Hospital Wing, rather than a quick trip to the Lake or Ladies Bathroom…?"

Something about the way she said that gave the impression he had led others astray before, but this time his tone was serious as the crowd dispersed, "No, Professor…Promise I won't drown the git in the Lake if that's what you were wondering… not promising anything about in the loos though…" Obviously he was on the receiving end of a glare there, for he quickly followed with, "Alright, alright…promise I won't drown him in the bathroom…"

McGonagall seemed content with that, for she strode away; some newly-arrived Prefects shooed away those left of the crowd and yet others dragged Mad-Eye off to Merlin-knows-where…leaving him lying face-down on the ground, breathing harshly and clutching at the stones in a frantic effort to stop the world moving… It jiggled and he shut his eyes against the motion, stomach roiling; what kind of professor was Moody, anyway? Who the heck turned people into animals and jiggled them about for riling up Potty?

"You gonna just lie there or are we gonna go in and see Madam Pomfrey, you blonde git?" said the familiarly thick voice of one Ronald Weasley; his lips parted to make a clever retort, and emitted a groan instead, he pushed himself up to a crouch, arms on the stone and head hanging down. Suddenly, the whole scene seemed to shift as the other's voice softened, "Hey, you alright mate? C'mon, you look awful…well, more than usual, anyway, I'm gonna pull you up in three, right? One…Two…_Three_!"

His arm may well have jerked from its socket, though the pull was not so harsh, his body was hyper-stimulated and tingling like hell…was it hot out here? No, wait, there was snow all around…must be something about incorrect transformations for non-_animar_-… _animug_-… _animoo_-… _the people who turn into animals_… his tired mind supplied.

Which oh-so-not-helpful, right now; but he was upright, and that, in essence…was what counted… Some stumbling later, he felt more than heard the loud sigh from beside him and the mumbled, "Oh come on, you git…" and an arm was grabbed and flung over a set of rather broad shoulders. He blinked. Now was not the time for such strange thoughts…

Air became thicker the instant they first stepped inside the school, the lunchbreak now long over and the world seemingly deserted; had it really taken that long to come but a few steps inside?

"You alright? You may be a smarmy little daddy's boy on occasion, but no one should be that pale…not even a Slytherin and I know you lot spend all your time skulking about in the darkness." The other laughed as Draco scowled, oh wonderful, the other's wit was as complex as the dunderheaded first years who always attempted the '_Accio, Robes_!' prank on the Prefects every year (_without fail, for four hundred consecutive years_)…

Well, he mused, they weren't _supposed_ to know about the anti-removal charms in place on the uniforms… and then shook his head. Where _were_ all these strange notions coming from, anyway…? The world tilted a little and cool stone pressed against his feverish back, he imagined small puffs of steam coming off of his body right about now… A strong arm held him in place; instinctively he lashed out and snatched it in a bruising grip as, again, he felt as if he would fall over and reveal the contents of his morning's breakfast on the floor…

There was a slight jerk as the other felt surprise at the action, but relaxed so as not to step away and let him fall on his face; though that revelation was surprising in itself, considering… "Why… why are you doing this? Why don't you let me f-fall, Weasel?" he asked, chocking on a word, his tongue felt like sandpaper, mouth dry and scratchy like he hadn't drunk in days…

The other's face fell slightly at the hated nickname he had bestowed, but recovered swift enough that anyone passing would think it merely a twitch brought on by concern or the stress of dealing with someone as fussy as he… And then a goblet of pumpkin juice was under his nose, quenching the burning ache like water on flame… As far as he could tell, the other had not moved…then he saw the wand being put away, slid back into the long sleeve of his uniform like a secreted blade… It clicked; he'd simply procured it from the Great Hall by means of a fetching spell, no more complicated than a wind-up toy.

So why then…did he feel like he would burst from this grateful feeling that seemed to be welling up inside him? He shook it off as Ron spoke again, "Can you stand, earth to Draco…can you stand or d'ya need me to carry you bridal style to the Hospital Wing? I reckon that would be something to tell your father about…" the ginger smirked broadly. Draco's mouth opened and closed like a broken garage door… he had not expected that…

Brushing aside the comment, he cleared his throat and answered, "No, no I'm fine…I'll just –whoops! Let's just go, Weasel, alright? You hate me, I…hate you, let's get this over with…not sure why you even bothered to volunteer to help me…" he stopped abruptly as the hurt in the blue eyes flashed deeply before the taller male brushed past roughly and started to walk up the corridor.

Again, something clicked as Draco stumbled along behind. "You… It was you! You blasted old _Mad-Eye_ across the courtyard, didn't you? When he was attacking me… No, wait, that's not it. Oh, it was _…because_ he was attacking me_…_" he breathed, pausing to lean on a stone pillar that jutted from the wall, breathing in and out as the world grew discomfortingly warm then cool again; the breathing settled and it took a moment to notice… The red-head had gone stiff at the mention of his motives and turned back to look, casually drawing closer in case the other should suddenly pass out –and to be honest, it did look that way.

"You like me!" he blurted. Ron stepped back a pace, uncertain, hands instinctively coming up to ward off an imaginary blow…like he was trying to protect himself from the secret being let out… Draco saw his error as the other tensed to flee, only the tiniest sliver of duty rooted him to the spot, loyal to the end and always true to their word; Ron Weasley was a true Gryffindor at heart, whether he liked it or not.

"Wait," he cried weakly, holding out a hand as the other turned away so that all he could see was the back of his robes… "Wait, please…" he found himself begging, trembling fingers somehow snatched the fabric in a death-like grip as Ron went into full-on fight mode…

Which would have been more effective if his opponent hadn't chosen that exact second to whirl him about, slam him into a secreted corner and kiss him with a scorching set of lips; now, as this was not an everyday occurrence, it seemed the Redhead was struck completely speechless by the move and could only stare with wide eyes.

Draco giggled, "Hey, you didn't think I was going to let my big, heroic rescuer get away from his main contractual obligation, did you?" Ron frowned, mouthing the words, '_Contractual Obligation_' before saying them aloud in a slightly puzzled tone that matched his expression. Feeling light-headed, hot and dizzy Draco giggled again and counted off on his fingers, "Well you see, the Heroes Code you Gryffindors adhere to has _rules_…how did you not know? See, first you go and find yourself a damsel in distress –not that I'm a girl, but I think we can bend the rules and say a _Draco in Distress_- then you rescue them and thwart the evil guy… which in this case is Mad-eye," yes, Draco was aware he was babbling, but the way Ron stared at him was quite intoxicating. Besides, he felt feverish… that was his story and he was sticking to it; even if it killed him.

"And then…it can go two ways… you either ride off into the sunset on a horse or some other creature –maybe the half-oaf will let you borrow one of those _Blasted Skrewt things_, or some-such… OR…and this is where you come in…" he stood on his tippy toes to whisper hotly in the ginger's ear. "Or…_the hero always gets the girl…_especially if said girl if a guy who would like to ravish the hero into next year for saving his life…"

Ron stepped back, looking slightly offended and Draco was unsure what he'd said wrong, and so, ran a mental check of the conversation so far…and his eyes widened as he hit the snag. "Oh… I didn't mean it like _that_… I- would it help if I said I've wanted to ravish you since I laid eyes on you but have only just now found a good excuse to do so?" he smiled sheepishly. Ron stepped closer, and Draco had the fleeting impression he was tempting a timid rabbit with an electrified carrot.

He felt the arms wrap around him tightly as Ron whispered, "Why didn't you just bloody say so before… git?" His breath ruffled the blonde hair as he sleepily replied, "Thought you were with Potter, didn't you ever wonder why I hated him so much…?"

He jerked awake abruptly as Ron let out a bark of laughter and started to propel them up the hall, suddenly aware of how long they had dawdled –McGonagall would not be pleased- and replied, "What on earth made you think I was with- ? Nevermind, I've liked you for a long time Draco and when I saw Mad-Eye shaking you about like a ragdoll I just… lost it, went full on crazy and threw him across the courtyard before I even realised I'd slipped my wand out. I love you, you smarmy git!" he said affectionately.

"Then…you aren't with Potter?" Draco said in a small voice, just to be absolutely certain he had heard correctly. The world was evening out a little, and it was cooling slightly to his skin, like just touching Ron was enough to make his life infinitely better; Ron had become the anchor in his world, and these next words could save or destroy him.

The other had gone gravely silent, then sighed, "Of course not. He's with Fred and George, besides…you're a much better kisser than any of them are…" and with that, he swept them into the Hospital Wing before Draco could even begin to process what that statement could have meant…

**~)0(~**

**Harry and Cedric**

Excessive giggling and splashing ensued.

Moaning Myrtle got an eyeful and finally took her fill, then floated away with a dreamy expression to her features, which even the eloquent Nearly-Headless Nick was at a loss to explain…

When pestered she would only smile, motion to the Prefects Bathroom and say cryptically, "It never said you had to solve the mystery of the Golden Egg…_alone…_"

**~)0(~**

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><p><strong>TBC...<strong>

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><p><strong>Next Chapter: Chapter 6 - Will the Horror Never End...? Nope.<strong>

**Stay Tuned!^^**

**Personally, I LOVED writing the Dron story...but then again, I could see it going on in my mind...**

**Hope you liked it!**

**Review if you feel like it, otherwise, "Avarda Kedavra!"**

**~SailorSilvanesti/Phoenix Fire ~**


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